 I have given-up drive-thru food. Although I expect a relapse, anytime, I have avoided eating food that comes in a fast food sack for almost 6 weeks, now. I have not, however, given up on the one dollar, large, unsweetened tea that McDonald’s so proudly serves. Last Wednesday morning, I went through the drive through before work and was so stunned by the greeting I received from the young man who handed me my drink that I had to pull over, park the car and
go in to find the manager. When the manager approached me, I could tell she was nervous. She smiled politely and asked if she could help me, to which I replied, “Yes, please. Do you see that young man at the drive through window?” I asked her, pointing in that direction. She nodded. “Do you know what he said to me?” “No, ma’am.” She was quiet and cautious, waiting to hear what I said and bracing for the worst. “He said, ‘Thank you for choosing McDonald’s. I hope you have a wonderful day. And please, drive safely.” I smiled. The manager smiled, too, but a little warily. I continued, “I’ve been going through drive-thrus for about 25 years, now, and I have to say, I have never been greeted so sincerely. I wanted you to know that he’s doing a great job, and you are doing a great job. Thank you so much. He made my day.” And she smiled bigger. Later, I was told by another patron who followed me out of the restaurant, she gave that employee a big “High 5,”and they smiled and laughed, together. I am not naïve. I know that employees are coached to say, “Please,”and “Thank you,” and “Have a nice day.” I even know that some employees like to put their own spin on it, and say, “Have a great day,” or “Have an incredible day,” in an effort to help people hear the greeting, instead of allowing it to be just another bit of polite noise we exchange with each other. But I have never been told to drive safely, and certainly not with the full eye contact and smile that conveyed such earnest well-wishes. How simple. How impactful. I don’t know what the rest of the day was like for that employee or for that manager. I do know that the rest of my day was spent happy. I was happy that someone cared about their job. I was happy that someone cared about the customer. I was happy that someone cared about, and seemed proud of, her employees and her own effect on the team. The entire exchange inspired me. Through some form of psychological transference, I then saw my own team as people who cared about their jobs and their customers, and who were proud of themselves and their effect on the team. I am sure that my renewed outlook allowed me to talk to them with more care and enthusiasm than I have on other days before. You never know exactly who might set an example for you, or what small thing you might do, today, to set an example for someone else. When I think about that simple exchange, and how great an impact it had on me and, therefore, the people with whom I interacted that day, I realize just how powerful our human connection can be. I hope to remember this example for a long time, and continue to pattern myself after that young man who handed me a glass of tea through a drive-thru window.
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 Lately, between a few vacation days, a holiday and my generalized lack of inspiration, I have not been writing at all. I suppose you may not have missed my “weekly” blog, but in case you did, let me just say that I took a break. Now that the nation is looking at another mass killing, however, I thought I might just weigh-in, because talking (or in my case, writing) is one of the most efficient ways for me to process information.
My questions are probably common ones… What kind of a person opens fire in a movie theater? What did he hope to accomplish? How will families heal from this? How will those who suffered wounds best recover not only from the physical wounds, but also from the emotional trauma? How will they cope with, maybe, never knowing why this happened at all? That’s the issue: coping. It seems that one of the natural consequences of being human is that we must continually cope. We cope with the stresses of our jobs, of our family obligations, of financial pressures. We cope with losses, and heartbreak, and questions which will never have an answer. It really doesn’t matter what side of the fence we are on… whether we are close to a situation like this shooting or far removed, just the fact that it happened throws something else onto our proverbial Coping Plate. When we are faced with shocking information, something that throws us off the train, so to speak, from our regular patterns of thought, we cannot just continue on our normal route. Something is forever changed. Sorting through that change takes time, and talking, and the support of other people who care. People of Aurora, CO, please know that we all care. We, like you, are asking questions, trying to make some sense of this. Perhaps, as I do when I am thrown off track, you may find that you need a sabbatical… a break from the news stories, a break from the retrospection, a break from feeling sadness, or survivor’s guilt (get information here), or fear for the state of man. I hope you will give yourselves the opportunity to heal from this gaping wound. I hope you will look for resources. I hope you will journal, rest, work, and grieve your way through this, however you must. And when you feel the weight of your sadness might be too much to bear, please talk. As the wise Henry Wadsworth Longfellow once said, “Well it has been said that there is no grief like the grief which does not speak.” You must talk about this. And we will. And together, we will find our own tracks, again.  I went to see my grandmother this weekend, and had the pleasure of listening to a fabulous book-on-tape during my 13 hours in the car. The book was, “Quiet,” by Susan Cain and is an exploration of introverts vs. extroverts. The insight offered here was so delightful, that it gave me yet another piece to
the puzzle of how to find and remain in touch with joy, despite all circumstances. Introversion is, according to Cain, a word that describes the kind of people who like deep, personal subjects of conversation more than they like “small talk.” They prefer gatherings of a few close friends to a large cocktail party of who’s-who. They can thoroughly enjoy people, even crowds of people, but will tire of the stimulation more quickly than the extrovert. Extroverts get “cabin fever,” more readily, and need people, so they will go out for the weekend, plan a party, and choose to go somewhere loud, exciting, and stimulating. They are most likely to be the last to leave a big party, and thrive on the energy of big crowds. I appreciate those definitions, and think, at the heart of me is an introvert. Recognizing myself as having traits of the introvert makes it easier for me to understand why I, a self-proclaimed public speaker who has no trouble singing in public, often feel the need to seclude myself. It helps me understand why 6 hours in a car, without the radio, speaking to no one is time I treasure. That has always felt like a contradiction in me, and now, it makes perfect sense. Not that I need a label to define myself or anyone else, but somehow, I have now been given permission to be enthusiastic, positive and friendly, yet also crave time to stay at home with only a good book for company. If you have read my blogs for long, you may know that I often recommend retreating (meditation, taking a walk by yourself, turning off the television) as strategies for remaining in touch with your joy. “Quiet,”however, in defining introversion and extroversion so simply, has made me realize that perhaps my advice is not appropriate. At least, not for all of you. There may be those of you who work tirelessly through the week on projects or other things that demand your rapt attention, and you don’t need to decrease your stimulation at all, but rather would be restored by going to someplace loud, elbow-to-elbow, and high energy in order to recharge. As someone who avoids those kinds of crowded, noisy places, I would never have considered that. Some of you, like me, want less stimulation to recharge, and others of you need more. Cain calls this, “Finding your restorative niche.” If your restorative niche is found in quiet places and times, then you need to give yourself permission to decline the invitation to go out on Friday, after a long week. Take a moment for yourself. If you are more extroverted, however, then you should be finding your way to the nearest “support group,” full of fun, loud-talking, joke telling, happy people, and jolting yourself back to life. Naturally, I don’t think this is a one-size-fits-all prescription, and this little commentary isn’t really meant to summarize all that I got out of, “Quiet.” However, I’d be remiss if I didn’t share these new strategies I’ve found for remaining in touch with joy. So, dear reader, I ask you: are you more or less an introvert or an extrovert? Whichever you discover, use that information to find your niche, and have a great week of restoration!  Once in awhile, we get patients on the floor who do not speak
English. This presents a particular challenge, of course, because simple questions like, “Are you in pain?” are not easily understood or answered. Because of the issues that arise with this, we have translators available to come to the room, 24/7, at the hospital where I work. Still, it’s not very practical to have a translator come to the floor every time the call light is ringing, or a meal tray is delivered. (Who wants to wait for 20 minutes for a translator to arrive, just to get an extra pillow or receive food while it’s hot?) Sometimes, I am left to my own devices, using pictures and some modified form of Charades to solve minor issues quickly. It is at these times that I wonder if my caring shows. I wonder if my expression conveys how much I want this patient to feel better, to feel safe in my care, or to be as comfortable as possible. Yesterday, as a present to myself, I got a pedicure. The gentleman who gave me the pedicure was Asian, and it was apparent very quickly that he did not speak much English. He held up a bottle of polish with a question in his eyes, as if to say, “This color?” Yes. I smiled and nodded. He would smile, or raise his eyebrows in another question, and we somehow communicated… “No, that’s not too hard,” “No, that doesn’t hurt,” “Yes, that spot is sore.” He worked carefully, and I could tell that he was being particular on my behalf. Researchers disagree on how much of communication is based on actual words, as opposed to body language, expression, and tone or inflection. Some say 40%, some say only 7%. Regardless, it is well accepted that certainly less than half of all communication between humans relies on language. When I consider that, then I am assured that, just as I understood that my pedicurist cared about my comfort, so are my patients able to tell that I care about theirs. When I am working, I am very careful to monitor my own tone of voice or body language when I enter patients’ rooms. Whether the patient speaks English or not, I never want them to sense my frustration, and I never want them to sense if I do not think they are doing well. Nothing is as frightening to a patient, I think, as seeing their caregiver display a lack of confidence. They want to see concern without worry, confidence without arrogance, and compassion without pity. I wonder, though, if I am as careful with the other people in my life. Do I huff out an exasperated breath that says, “You are such a burden to me,” when I am behind a woman in the express grocery line, because she has more than 15 items? Do I roll my eyes and look away when a co-worker says something with which I disagree, as if to say, “How ridiculous”? Do I give quick, one word answers when I am impatient and ready to move onto something else, conveying,“Your thoughts do not matter to me”? Yes. I’m afraid I do all of these things, and more. The things that I would never allow myself to express to a patient, or say out loud to anyone, I communicate pretty regularly to friends, colleagues, and people I love. That is not ok. This week, I’m going to monitor all of my own non-verbal cues, and see if what I am “saying” through those cues is what I want people to hear. Chances are, if I’m not able to say those things directly, then it is not. I may never be an expert in “speaking” the language, but I’m going to keep trying to be better at non-verbally communicating that I care, that people matter, and that I mean to treat them kindly.  I have some friends who are still in their 20’s & 30’s. They help me remember optimism. When I was that young (and that old), I remember that I had the clarity to realize that the world held every opportunity and that I was completely equipped to take advantage of all of them. I was aware that any decision I made could be reversed if it wasn’t right for me. I could scrap a career and start over, if I wanted. I could have a relationship, decide it wasn’t working, and walk away. Somewhere after I turned 40, however, that perception changed. I started to evaluate myself in a different way, believing that my choices were now more limited, that I needed to have been more “settled” by now, that I needed to have used all of the gifts with which I have been blessed in some more meaningful way. I felt somewhat ashamed to have not made a larger contribution to the world than I had, given that I am so advantaged.
When I shared these thoughts with a friend of mine, he said, “I know what you mean! I’ve done less with more than anybody I know!” Although he was at least half joking, that statement exactly summarized how I felt. In fact, I wonder if it’s not exactly that sentiment that describes many of our mid-life insecurities, as we scrutinize where we have been, what we have done or not done, and where we may have fallen short. Most of us have been blessed beyond measure with talent, opportunity, kindness, friendships, education, and other advantages too numerous to mention. On some level, we recognize that and cannot believe we haven’t accomplished more. We may also see some of the things that we perceive have held us back in some way, and we have resentments that we may not know how to reconcile or forgive. It’s a constant balancing act between the self-chastising that comes from knowing we “could have, but didn’t” and the victim-thinking of, “if only [someone or something] wouldn’t have sabotaged my efforts.” I also have some friends who are now in their 50’s & 60’s. They, too, help me remember optimism. They talk to me about their own struggle with this balancing act of self-recrimination and evaluation, and how they have now forgiven themselves and others. They have become settled in their own skin. They have recognized that life is not something that should be evaluated as something we should have “won” by now. They seem to accept that there is always more to be done, that there are always dreams to chase, that there are always going to be limiting factors and road blocks that can be either navigated or removed, and that navigating or removing them is always a choice. My friends who have made it through this challenge of looking around and saying, “Oh! I should have done [something] by now,” and then saying, “It’s ok. I have. And I have not. And I am still alive, so I am still living,” are my inspiration. Because I have these friends, the younger ones who inspire me to be wide-eyed and excited about what the world has to offer, the “my-age” friends who “get me,” and the things that vex me, and my older friends who teach me to enjoy the relaxed comfort of settling into my own life and stride, I think I might just avert my “Mid-Life Crisis,” and simply have a mid-life. And today I have recognized that, of all of the “more,” I’ve been given, the most important of these things has been these diverse friends who help me dream, see, and enjoy. Thank you to all of you! Be with your friends, this week, and enjoy wherever you are on your life’s journey… it is both full of promise and excitement, and also waiting to be simply lived.  In Tom Rath’s, “Strengths Finder, 2.0,” which is a book I’ve mentioned before, he gives clear descriptions of 34 different strengths. One of them is Empathy, which is to say: easily imagining what others might be thinking or feeling. It seems to me that having this particular trait might be a key component to Living in Joy. In fact, much of the advice on careers, relationships, finances, and even spirituality that I’ve read or studied over the years seems to be rooted in the very concept of empathy.
Steven Covey in “7 Habits of Highly Effective People,” for example, chooses to devote two of his seven concepts to empathy. Habit 4 is, “Think Win/Win,” and Habit 5 is, “Seek First to Understand, Then to be Understood.” Simon Sinek, inspirational leader, talks about “Starting with Why,” which is a success strategy that is founded on the principle that successful leaders communicate by beginning with the empathetic question, “What motivations do we have in common?” Moms all over the world have repeated the mantra, “Treat others how you would like to be treated,” which really means that we, first, have to understand how we would like to be treated if we were that other person, with all of that person’s unique motivations, fears, concerns, history and habits... if we were walking in that other peson's shoes. If practicing empathy will increase our effectiveness, strengthen our relationships, and enable us to experience more satisfaction with life, then the remaining question is: how do we train ourselves to be empathetic? First, we have to recognize that there is another person involved. Each of us is so entrenched in our own goals and wants that it’s extremely difficult to pull ourselves out of the loop, “What am I not getting? When will it be my turn?” Empathy means looking for what the other person perceives he or she is not getting, in order to understand his/her motivations. If people are resistant to you, you can bet it is because they fear not getting what they need. When you view the world from their perspective, you can help them alleviate that fear, so that you can work together to get what you both want. Second, we have to ask ourselves, “How does what I want/need conflict with what this other person wants/needs? How does this person perceive it conflicts, even if we actually want the same results? How might I adjust my process to help this person meet his/her needs, while also meeting my own?” Third, we have to look past the obvious demand and get to the deeper motivation. If I want to go out to dinner with my spouse, for example, and he wants to stay home and sit on the couch, how do we both get what we want? The key is to look for the objectives we each have. I want to go on a “date” with him. He wants to unwind and relax in the comfort of home. Those are the immediate demands. However, both of us want, as our final objective, more intimacy. What if we turn off the TV, cater-in dinner (however humble), light candles, and relax on a “date” in the living room? It may sound like compromising, but really, meeting both persons’ objectives is a “win-win,” not a compromise. It’s not always easy. It’s work to examine and re-evaluate a seemingly simple, “I want.” It’s especially difficult to be empathetic enough to see why our “I want” is not immediately met with an, “Of course, dear.” But it’s worth it. In fact, living empathetically, at least according to nearly every great thinker I’ve ever studied, is the absolute key to success.  Have you ever given much thought to how you want to experience yourself through the groups of people, not just individuals or individual circumstances? Because human beings are social animals, we will never be satisfied in isolation. Embracing the concept of belonging to a community means considering your own role in the communities to which you most belong. What do you want to give your community (or communities)? What do you want to take from it? Your idea of the community to which you belong and relate may be different than someone else’s. For example, I have a dear friend who does world-wide, medical mission trips. Her idea of community includes the entire worldly experience of mankind. The idea of the community I choose to affect comes in much smaller groups, like my coworkers or my close friends. Neither is more correct than another. There are schools of thought that suggest our influences role out in concentric circles, and that we cannot expect to change the world, if our own households are a mess. And there are people who, recognizing that “a prophet has no honor in his own country,” begin at the outer edges of the world and move inward. At the most basic level, it’s helpful to decide to which camp you most likely belong, in order to choose your own activities and level involvement in the various communities that surround you (work, church, neighborhood, etc.). Once you identify what group(s) to which you most sense you belong, then it’s time to identify your own role within those groups: voyeur or activist? King or soldier? Gracious host or guard at the door? Some combination of any or all of these? Who, again, do you most want to be? How do you want to experience yourself in your community? What do you have to gain or offer? After you’ve given this some thought, you might just check out the few resources I have, below, each designed for connecting with community members. Naturally, your online community of FaceBook is one example of reaching out and remaining connected, but I am going to encourage you to go a step further and involve yourself, physically, in your communities, however you define them. Interested in making a difference in an area within twenty miles of your home? (click here) for Six Degrees, an organizational initiative of Kevin Bacon’s, and do a volunteer search. Learning to speak French? Interested in books? Collect buttons? Ever hear of Meetup? This brilliant website (click here) goes beyond dating sites and social networks to help you find groups in your area that share your interests. The point is that we do not live in a vacuum. In fact, research shows that much of our depression is spawned by our lack of feeling connected to the communities and people around us. If you want to protect yourself from that, if you truly want to live in joy, don’t let yourself live in isolation. Choose a community, and get involved! This is your new blog post. Click here and start typing, or drag in elements from the top bar.
 If you’ll remember, before the holidays, we were investigating resources for our seven major life areas. I hope you’ve enjoyed some of the other resources I’ve shared and they’ve been useful. As we talk about Spirituality, the best I can do is share what I do, when I’m feeling much too tied to the physical world around me and I notice that all I’ve been trying to do is run faster, work harder, worry about money more, fuss in traffic…
I continue to espouse that “Living in Joy,” means thoroughly experiencing and enjoying this life, this playground-world, this land of opportunity to live absolutely anything we choose. However, there is no denying that, sometimes, it feels like life is just one brick wall, one pitfall, one chore, challenge or frustration after another. What happens when I’m fully invested in my five senses and they are all telling me I’m over-tired and under-appreciated? That is when I remember that I am, however mysteriously, more than this body and mind, more than these five senses. There is some part of me from where courage, peace within chaos, and inspiration come. That, my dear friends, is Spirituality. My five senses may be dulling with age, but my spirit is still vibrant, if I can just feed it, feel it and allow it to run loose through me. So, here are my three favorite strategies: Be Quiet. William Penn said, “True silence is rest of the mind. It is to the spirit what sleep is to the body: nourishment and refreshment.” So, part of feeding my spirit may be silence: a restful walk through nature or a quiet room with candle lighting. One of the best ways to get in touch with my own inspiration and inner voice is to just be quiet. Can you begin your day without the radio? Without the television? With a smile on your lips but no words coming out of them? You’ll be surprised what you can hear when you are not talking. Take a vow of silence for an hour or an afternoon. Read. I also read Scripture. When I do, I read a short passage and then journal. Have you ever tried this? My method is to summarize on the page what I just read, then write a commentary, my “observations,” where I ask myself and pray, “How does this apply to me, right now, today?” I ask, and then I start writing whatever I’m thinking. Sometimes, I write, “Ok. I don’t get it.” But sometimes, I do “get it,” and the thoughts I have feel as if they are straight from God, or at least some translation of my own spirit’s voice. If you ever wondered how to read and make sense of the Bible, this is my recommendation. Surround Yourself. In contrast to the silence or reading options, the other thing that feeds my spirit is the love and friendship of people. When I have friends around me, just their presence, whatever we may be doing, makes me feel contented and connected. I am particularly content when I see my friends gathered together in my own home. So, believe it or not, my best resource for Spirituality, from my perspective, is not a meditation book, a CD of Tibetan chants, or a website for purchasing candles and bubble bath (though those are all good ideas…). It’s www.evite.com. Go ahead… pick a theme, and invite some people over to share your world. It’s a great way to remind yourself that your contribution to this world does matter, that you are not too tired to have friends, and that you are appreciated, after all. Surround yourself with a few of the people you love. I have no doubt that you have strategies of your own for allowing your spirit to breathe. I’d love to hear them. And if you try any of my strategies, I’d love to hear about that, too! Happy connecting!  Have you ever noticed that every relationship you have gives you an opportunity to experience a very different side of yourself? For example: The pieces of my personality that I get to experience in my most intimate relationship, like the part of me that is sensual and vulnerable, aren’t appropriate parts of my own persona to explore within my workplace. (Obviously.) By the same token, I don’t get to experience myself as an expert in giving subcutaneous injections, as part of my trusted relationship with patients, outside of my healthcare workplace (a fact for which all of my social friends are grateful). And sometimes, it feels as if a relationship only exists to give me an opportunity to practice my patience (like my relationship with the BMV clerk). Ultimately, I need all of these relationships in order to truly experience the whole of who I am: a combination of diverse strengths, skills and emotions. When we are missing opportunities to experience our best selves, or pieces of our best selves, we feel a void.
Because my relationships are so varied in nature, the resources I’ve used to strengthen my relationships have had to be equally varied. Improving basic, technical skills associated with your job can inspire the trust of your clients. Outside of that, however, is a vast world of information, new ideas, and reminders for how to communicate and relate to yourself and others in a way that strengthens your relationship bonds. Below is a list of some of the sources I use regularly, along with others that have made a definite impact on how I treat people, and how I allow myself to be treated. 1. My Favorite Website: www.Ted.com: TED is an organization that finds “Ideas Worth Spreading.” The site contains videos from TED conferences, where some of the greatest thinkers of our time have presented ideas and concepts related to things as technical as nuclear energy and as basic as saying, “Thank you.”, Laura Trice and Benjamin Zanderand. 2. Blogs I Follow: Guidance, Growth and Grace, by MaryAnne Banich, which explores our relationship with ourselves and the world around us, at Guidance Growth and Grace. And Monte King’s blog, “Just a Thought,” which is often focused on our relationships with others and the Divine, at Monte King Counseling. 3. Books I Recommend: John C. Maxwell with Jim Dornan, "Becoming a Person of Influence", which is a brilliant text about interacting positively with others. And "Mutant Message Down Under", by Marlo Morgan, which is a striking, true story (and quick read) about our individual relationship with the world and humankind. Also, The Holy Bible. Let’s face it: nothing describes the best and worst parts of any relationship better than The Bible. There must be thousands of books written every year that address relationships in some form or another. I’ve read a lot of them and will continue to do so, but these three are the ones from which I continue to gain insight. I have found that I cannot apply every suggestion at once, so I choose the things I can change, immediately, to make the most positive impact on my relationships with others, then I re-read these books from time to time to get something else I can use. I hope you find these resources as helpful, or at least intriguing, as I have. Enjoy your Relationships! |
 ShellyWhether I am experiencing my life as a nurse, leader, teacher, manager, wife, daughter, friend or something else, I believe that my gift has been my ability to sort through the noise of emotions and circumstances and find joy in all things. It is my purpose to use that ability to help others realize their own strengths, successes, gifts and passions. This is how I want to spend my life. Subscribe
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