Have you ever noticed that every relationship you have gives you an opportunity to experience a very different side of yourself? For example: The pieces of my personality that I get to experience in my most intimate relationship, like the part of me that is sensual and vulnerable, aren’t appropriate parts of my own persona to explore within my workplace. (Obviously.) By the same token, I don’t get to experience myself as an expert in giving subcutaneous injections, as part of my trusted relationship with patients, outside of my healthcare workplace (a fact for which all of my social friends are grateful). And sometimes, it feels as if a relationship only exists to give me an opportunity to practice my patience (like my relationship with the BMV clerk). Ultimately, I need all of these relationships in order to truly experience the whole of who I am: a combination of diverse strengths, skills and emotions. When we are missing opportunities to experience our best selves, or pieces of our best selves, we feel a void.

Because my relationships are so varied in nature, the resources I’ve used to strengthen my relationships have had to be equally varied. Improving basic, technical skills associated with your job can inspire the trust of your clients. Outside of that, however, is a vast world of information, new ideas, and reminders for how to communicate and relate to yourself and others in a way that strengthens your relationship bonds. Below is a list of some of the sources I use regularly, along with others that have made a definite impact on how I treat people, and how I allow myself to be treated.

1. My Favorite Website:  www.Ted.com: TED is an organization that finds “Ideas Worth Spreading.” The site contains videos from TED conferences, where some of the greatest thinkers of our time have presented ideas and concepts related to things as technical as nuclear energy and as basic as saying, “Thank you.”, Laura Trice and Benjamin Zanderand.

2. Blogs I Follow: Guidance, Growth and Grace, by MaryAnne Banich, which explores our relationship with ourselves and the world around us, at Guidance Growth and Grace.

And Monte King’s blog, “Just a Thought,” which is often focused on our relationships with others and the Divine, at Monte King Counseling.

3. Books I Recommend: John C. Maxwell with Jim Dornan, "Becoming a Person of Influence", which is a brilliant text about interacting positively with others. And "Mutant Message Down Under", by Marlo Morgan, which is a striking, true story (and quick read) about our individual relationship with the world and humankind. Also, The Holy Bible. Let’s face it: nothing describes the best and worst parts of any relationship better than The Bible.

There must be thousands of books written every year that address relationships in some form or another. I’ve read a lot of them and will continue to do so, but these three are the ones from which I continue to gain insight. I have found that I cannot apply every suggestion at once, so I choose the things I can change, immediately, to make the most positive impact on my relationships with others, then I re-read these books from time to time to get something else I can use. I hope you find these resources as helpful, or at least intriguing, as I have. Enjoy your Relationships!   

Finding Your Strengths

It hardly seems possible that Thanksgiving is this week! I really feel like it should still be September. What I know about Thanksgiving is that, as the holiday season comes upon us, time will only move faster. The time between now and the end of the year is going to fly past me, in a flurry of “get ready for’s” and “enjoy the moments.” Because of the speed at which 2012 is rocketing toward us, I thought it might be fun to spend the next few weeks offering you some of the most impactful and valuable resources I have found for finding joy regardless of circumstance. I will be sharing my current favorite resources in our seven major life areas: Career, Relationship, Home, Health, Finance, Spirituality and Community, in the hope that you will enter 2012 well-armed with some support you may not have had in the past. My desire is that these resources will help you, as they have helped me, remain connected to your joy throughout the year.  

This week, I am starting with Career. I want to share with you a book by Tom Rath, called “Strengths Finder 2.0.” Tom discusses that we have been a culture that focuses largely on “well-rounded” knowledge bases and behavior, but that, in focusing our efforts in that way, we miss the benefits of our individual differences. One of the reasons, for example, that we may remain frustrated in our jobs or focused on our negative outcomes instead of celebrating our achievements, is because we think we should be “Straight A’s” across the board. If, in contrast, we would concentrate more on perfecting our own specialties, we could experience more fulfillment (doing what we love in an area wherein we excel) and be more valuable (becoming true experts in our own specialties).

While the concept of capitalizing on my strengths makes perfect sense to me, I’m not certain, anymore, what my true strengths are. It seems I have spent years trying to improve my areas of weakness. However, in order to envision my best-ever life in the interest of Living in Joy, then I need to know what the best experience of myself and my unique talents would entail. This is where Tom Rath enters. His book, “Strengths Finder 2.0” is an exploration, as the title suggests, of you and your strengths.  

I encourage you to go to www.strengthsfinder.com, read his concept, and take the quiz. As it turns out, of the 34 different strengths, my top five are: Positivity, Input, Futuristic, Empathy, and Achievement. Well… of course.  The best part of Strengths Finder is that Mr. Rath doesn’t just leave you with that. He actually provides action plans for your particular strengths, so that you can get the most out of the things that come naturally to you. Now, I can see how to work within those 5 strengths to create a career focus (inside of my current job title) that is completely fulfilling to me, while also meeting corporate goals. I can also see clearly where I need to ask for help or delegate, rather than struggling to learn more, do more, or work harder to make-up for my own deficits.

Whether 2012 is going to bring you a career change or you are just looking for a way to experience that deep pulse of joy throughout your current career workday, discovering your own strengths could be a great place to begin to make a shift in your area of focus. Here’s to the best career experience you can imagine! Please post your own strengths here, if you feel like it. You never know who might be reading and need exactly the strength you possess. Enjoy your career.

_Does anyone out there read “Bon Appetit” magazine? It’s one of my favorites! It has articles on setting-up the perfect kitchen, new gadgets, grilling techniques, and, of course, recipes. When I got my November issue, I was not surprised to see a turkey on the front cover. Naturally, in this season of giving thanks, this premier food magazine has to investigate the greatest food celebration of the year: the Thanksgiving Dinner. I couldn’t be more delighted!

I should mention that, over the years that I’ve been getting this magazine, I rarely try the recipes. Generally, recipes for things like Cumin-Scented Quinoa and Black Rice stray a bit too far from my mid-western food sensibilities. I like imagining the people who do cook these recipes, though, and I think they must be very cosmopolitan, probably in high-rise condos with grand views of the city, beautiful, Jenn-Air equipped kitchens with chefs knives, and pots of every size at their fingertips. I can just see them stopping at little Asian markets and Italian delis on their way home from their very exciting jobs, to get the ingredients for these “Bon Appetit” concoctions. And I’m a little enamored by the idea.

This month, I knew I'd flip through the pages of my magazine and find new, improved ways to twist my old favorites, though I probably wouldn't try any of them. Tandori-Spiced Roast Turkey, Crawfish Gravy, and Wild Rice, Fruit and Pecan Stuffing were just some of the recipes featured near the back of the magazine. What surprised me, though, was the first half of the issue, which is always where the “how-to’s” and best kitchen advice are shared. This month, they addressed how to make the perfect mashed potatoes and gravy.

When I started reading, I have to admit that I was thinking, “Ok. Good! How can I improve my methods and make this year’s mashed potatoes the fluffiest and creamiest, ever?” Cut peeled potatoes into 2” pieces. Cover in cold water. Gently simmer. Mash. Add cream. Add salt. (Tyme, basil and rosemary: optional). Add butter. As for the gravy? Start with a rue of butter and flour. Add stock.

What?! My mother’s time-honored traditions, what I think of as “plain-old cooking,” in print? In a fancy, fussy, food magazine, and accompanied by some of the most delectable photos of all time! It made me smile. And I was proud to know that I had been taught the best possible way to make mashed potatoes and gravy, at least according to the very picky editors of “Bon Appetite.” I wondered if there would be people in the city, in their high rise condos, reading these recipes and imagining me, this time… cooking in my none-too-well-decorated kitchen, on my electric stove, with my one wooden spoon and my two worn and dulled paring knives, after having stopped at the Kroger for my sack of potatoes. And I imagined they would be just a little enamored of my simple traditions and plain-old, home-style cooking.

I guess it’s just one more lesson in being grateful for what I have. So, this Thanksgiving, I’m going to make a point to look for all of those things I think are so simple, or so mundane that I take them for granted. And when I find them, I’m going to say a special prayer of thanks, because my life would not be the same, and I would not be the same, if they hadn’t become part of my “plain-old life.” And then I’m going to add Candied Mandarin Oranges with Cranberries to my Thanksgiving menu, just for good measure.

_In the years from 1993 to 1999, I lived in a beautiful home. I had flower boxes and a garden I tended with care. I grew tomatoes, okra, and fresh spring lettuce that I lovingly prepared for my family in those summers. In the winter months, I’d spend most of my time in the kitchen, cooking lasagna, chili, stews, or roasts. We were blessed to always have food on the table, and when our friends dropped by to see us, which they did often, we had enough to share.

We also had a fluffy, friendly dog that stood by the door until we got home, or so it seemed, and we often lived with two little boys, who were my step sons. These boys played in their room, or in the big yard with the dog, or sat in the living room, watching sports and becoming Dolphin and Tiger Woods fans, because their dad was. The boys were fun and funny and rambunctious, and we got to see them every summer for at least six weeks and at least once during the holidays, despite the fact that they lived four states away. When they were 6 and 8, I started teaching them “dating manners,” and we would have fancy dinners at the house (crab legs and steak, table cloth and candles). They would pull out my chair for me, say grace, and keep their elbows off the table. The rest of the time, they were “all boy,” running and fighting and wrestling and riding their bikes until they were tired enough, or told, to get their baths and go to sleep.

Sometimes our bills were paid late, but they were always paid. I had a really good job that I enjoyed, and we had vehicles in the driveway that took us all the places we wanted to go... Florida for a vacation, Michigan to see my family, and four states away to get the boys.

I was very secure in the fact that the man-of-the-house loved me beyond words. There was not a night, for most of that time, when we did not hold hands as we fell asleep. He bragged about my cooking, and I was proud of him for trying to start his own business, but, when this man died tragically in November of 1999, this chapter of my life came to a close.

There was a man. During the years of 1993-1999, he lived in a mobile home that he felt was too small and too old. His ex-wife had taken his children from him, and out of spite it seemed, moved them hundreds of miles away. He felt that he rarely got to see his sons, and the separation made him angry. Actually, nearly everything made him angry… his finances, his lack of ability to see his children more often, his past, his future… His anger kept him from working for or with other people, so he was forced to try to work on his own.  He always suspected his live-in girlfriend was cheating on him, and he felt like a failure, driving a seven-year-old Ford Ranger that his 5-11 frame could barely fold itself into. This angry, unhappy man took his own life in November of 1999, and this chapter of his life came to a close.

In case you haven’t guessed, both stories are about the same man... and me. The same family, same home, same life… two sides of the same coin. Two completely different perspectives. The entire experience makes me wonder why anyone would choose to see the most negative aspects of a situation. Do some people not realize that there is a choice to be made? Does negative thinking become so habitual that it becomes difficult, or impossible, to see what is going right amidst all of the going wrongs?

This week, near the anniversary of the ending of one of the most significant chapters of my life, I ask you: which side of the coin, which story of your life, is your focus? Does it serve you, or serve to crush your spirit? If it’s the latter, I beg of you, turn the coin over. Intentionally stop yourself from looking for the worst of things, and start making it a habit to count your blessings.

If you will, you can start to see that we live on a rich playground in which to explore ourselves and our lives, and though we sometimes skin our knees and get hurt on this playground, sometimes we get to swing and slide and play and feel sunshine on our faces. It is during these times, if you will recognize them, that life feels very, very good. And all is well.

Joy and love to you.

I got my mom an iPod for her birthday. I think it’s a great solution for her. She loves music, but continues to buy entire CD’s for one, favorite song. Then, she has to ask her tech-savvy friends to burn those “one songs,” onto some sort of compilation disc, so she can have those songs in her car. I figure, if I can help her set it up, the iPod is going to be her very favorite gift of all time. Music. What better gift than music for a woman who still does The Pony in her own living room?

This was my hope. As soon as I got the gadget into my car, however, I started second guessing. Actually, there was a point at which I could picture myself handing her the neatly wrapped package and saying, “Happy birthday, Mom. This year, I got you a giant argument between you and me,” because I suspected my mom might look at the tiny music player with the confusing selection wheel, and immediately get discouraged. If she did, then no matter how easy I tried to make it sound, she would set her jaw and say, “I can’t use that thing.” To which I would respond, “Yes, you can! See? It’s easy!” She would pretend to look, but not hear a word of my instruction, if that happened. Gosh. I could only hope she didn’t get discouraged before we began.

Now, you might be thinking, “Why would you give your mother a gift she’s going to hate?” And my answer would be, “Because after she gets done hating it, I know she’s going to love it!” How do I know this? Because I am my mother. And I hate change, and new ideas, and feeling like I don’t understand. I want to know how to do everything, and be really good at it, before anyone sees me struggling. (It’s one of the reasons I don’t take Zumba classes. I hate to be the one flailing in the back row.) At the same time, however, I know, from past experience, that if I just stop resisting things, if I stop pushing and rushing and trying to get to the end, if I stop hating the situation or process, it won’t be long before I love it.

I had a nursing school instructor inform me that her entire intention was to keep me off balance, challenge me, and push me, and that, if I didn’t feel uncomfortable, she couldn’t teach me everything I needed to know. She said I would hate learning, but that I would love nursing. As soon as she explained that she expected me to feel incapable and clueless, the discomfort was, somehow, easier to manage. I had been given the faith I needed to trust that the sick feeling I got for being flung around the “learning curve” would end. And after it ended, I would have the benefit of relief, new knowledge, and experience. And I would be free, only then, to enjoy applying what I had learned.

So, this week, I want to ask you if you are resisting, fighting back, or closing your mind to something new and uncomfortable. Not everything uncomfortable is something that should be avoided. In fact, more often than not, it’s something that could, if given the chance, be something you love. I hope my mom sees it that way. You know? I really should learn to do The Pony with her in her living room, or take a Zumba class when I get back to Nashville… Even if I have to flail a little, at first.

This week, I’ve been thinking about life visions and how they affect our romantic relationships. (I know. You’re shocked that I want to revisit this relationship thing, aren’t you?) Single or not, there exist perils that threaten our best opportunities to Live in Relationship-Joy. Given that none of my single friends seem to be any happier than any of my long-term, married friends, and vice-versa, my question is: is there any way to ensure that we experience our own best-life-we-can-imagine, either with or without a significant other?

It seems like, if we are single, we are all too willing to sacrifice some pieces of what we envision as our best life, just to feel some kind of sense of love and belonging. I certainly have done that. In fact, while in one of my most long-term relationships, I sacrificed my perfect financial picture, my ideal home, my spiritual dedication, my community camaraderie, and my health (or at least my safety). Why? Because I felt loved, needed, and important. I had met my relationship goals at the cost of all other dreams. Often, as I watch some of my girlfriends start to date someone new, they ask themselves, “Can I or can I not live with this man?” I hear answers like, “You’ve got to take the good with the bad,” and “No relationship is perfect.” True. But how close to your dream-life are you? And what’s close enough?

While single people are giving-up pieces of their best visions in order to couple, people who are in committed relationships are uncoupling in order to retrieve their claim to their best visions. I am reminded of my parents, who divorced after 23 years of marriage, because they were “very different people.” Not long after their divorce, each of them was spending as much time as they could on the water. My mom was shocked to hear that my dad was sailing in the U.S. Virgin Islands, and my dad was shocked to hear that my mom was sailing to the Dry Tortugas. As it turned out, their lives remained fairly parallel for years after their divorce, because they, apparently, were not as “different,” in their individual concepts of how to live the "most beautiful life" as they had once thought. Of course, focused instead on their day to day struggles, they had never successfully talked about what they both really wanted. (Is anyone else hearing the 1970’s “Pina Colada Song,” right now?)

It would seem, then, that one of the most important things we can do with any partner or potential partner is talk about these visions, these dreams of what life would look like if it could look like anything we choose. I wonder how much less compromising we would do while we were single and dating, if we knew up-front that the person across the table from us was on a completely different dream page. On the other hand, if we knew that our visions of what makes life worth living were parallel, could we overlook the way he holds his fork, or the fact that she has a checkered table cloth on her kitchen table? (Really. These are actual reasons why second dates have not occurred.) And I wonder how much more joy we could experience within our current committed relationships if we knew how many of our dreams were shared. Imagine the synergy of having two distinct people working together toward that perfect-life vision… toward your perfect-life vision!

At the very least, and to avoid certain heartbreak, isn’t it worth asking the question, “What would you be, have and do, if you believed you could be, have and do anything at all?” Of course, if you ask that question you need to be able to answer the question, yourself. So, can you?

I attended a beautiful wedding yesterday, where two of my favorite people (we’ll call them S and R) vowed to each other, and announced to the world, their mutual promise to love. Marriage may mean different things to different people, but I think the final analysis reveals that two people have decided to be in each other’s corners, to be the one safe place, to have the two ears that will listen when no one else will, for as long as they both shall live. After life has its chance to frustrate, exhaust, and discourage these two people; after the giddiness of the insecurity of a new relationship is gone and the calm surety of a seasoned friendship is what remains; after years of opportunities have presented themselves for these two to experience one another’s basic, human flaws, there will still be that decision to love that remains, because that is the promise.

After S proposed and R said, “Yes!” their wedding date was set. What most surprised everyone in this case was that the ceremony was scheduled for just two months away. “It’s so soon!” “What’s the hurry?” “Don’t you need time to plan?” Speculation abounded, and those who had suffered failed marriages in the past were skeptical. I wonder, though, if we can really say that the process was rushed.

I suppose if the decision to marry was made the day the ring was purchased, or the day the bride accepted, then, maybe, there wasn’t much time in between for planning or being sure. However, that’s not really when these decisions are made, are they? Instead, the decision to love was made every time, over the course of their two-year courtship, that they found out something new. At first, it was simple things: S wears a lot of jewelry… can I love him? R is taking her time about introducing me to her friends… can I love her? Then, as more of their individual personalities were revealed, they had more decision points: S is not always P.C. about his opinions… can I love him? R sometimes gets annoyed when I speak my mind… can I love her?

In the end, there must have been a thousand different times they said, “Yes,” until, finally, they said, “Yes,” in a public forum, in front of their friends and family, in an effort to confirm to the world and the Lord, that they had decided to love. There really was no reason to wait. It wasn’t very sudden at all.
Most of the major decisions we make in this life are like that… made one little step at a time. How our lives are structured, in all of our life areas: career, relationship, health, finance, etc., is a result of a thousand small decisions that either take us toward or away from our dreams. “I want this pair of shoes,” when chosen 25 times, can result in mountains of debt. “I am too tired to discuss my day with my wife,” when chosen 20 days in a row, can result in separation and distance in the relationship that’s hard to mend. Just as, “I will make a point to stop what I am doing and listen to my child when he speaks,” when done consistently, can build self-esteem and engineer strong bonds of trust.

Are you aware of the thousands of little decisions you make every day that are creating your future? If you are going to Live in Joy and create a life that is of your choosing, you need to be. Make a decision of who you want to be when you open your eyes every morning, “I will be loving. I will be available. I will be aware. I will be healthy. I will make financially sound decisions,” for example, and then make choices throughout your day that support your attainment of those dreams. One day, it will feel like your dreams are coming true, suddenly, after all.

Woo-hoo! I have been hired to conduct a Living in Joy workshop by one of the local colleges. It will be my first, official, paid gig as a public speaker. I did the Nashville workshop in August, but that one was a seminar that I organized, myself. This one is different, because I was the one invited, not the one doing the inviting, and that feels like a dream is coming true.

There are a lot of Living in Joy lessons, here, so let me share five of them with you.

1. Know what you want. It seems obvious, but the next time you are in the middle of something you clearly do NOT want, ask yourself what is it that you DO want? It may surprise you how much easier it is to identify the uncomfortable things and recoil from them, than to imagine the most fabulous things and run toward them.
2. Talk about it. My dream was to answer the question, “Shelly, how is it you always seem so happy?” and to help other people do that, too. Now, I get to try, because I started talking about it. You might be surprised at how many people are anxious to help you. We love winners. We love seeing people chase dreams and succeed, because it gives us all permission to do the same. And we love to think we are a part of someone else’s dream-living success. Give us the chance.
3. Go for it. Had I not conducted the Nashville workshop, the organizer at the college would not have known I am available for such things as seminars and workshops. Do you want a promotion? Start managing your current workload while also helping your superior meet his or her goals. Do you want to experience love in your life? Start loving. Do you want to be happier? Just start smiling as if you are already happy. (Actually, “feel good” endorphin hormones are released when your muscles contract in that way, so it really does make you feel happier.)
4. Appreciate Fear. I wrote a blog around the time of my Nashville seminar wherein I tried to explain how terrifying it felt to put myself out there, exposing my hopes and dreams, and putting myself in a position to fail. It wasn’t easy or fun. However, Fear is that emotion that warns us to prepare. Ultimately, it is meant to act like a flashing light to get us to pay attention to details, not like a closing gate to stand between us and our dreams. Prepare the best you can. Afterwards, make notes of what you can do better the next time. I know there were failure points in my Nashville seminar. The next one will be better. And much less frightening. 
5. Be content with the fact that dreams are unattainable. Now, I know you thought I would say, “attainable,” but the truth is that once we reach a certain goal of our choosing, we immediately fill it with another one. It’s one of the side-effects of being alive. As long as we are alive, as long as we intend to keep living, we want new experiences, and we keep dreaming bigger, better dreams. It seems that the small successes we have, the bits of reinforcement that we get when we reach a goal, serve only to inspire us. I am very, very excited about this seminar, but I am also aware that this does not mean I’ve reached the finish line. Quite the opposite. I’m barely at the starting gate.

I truly believe that Living in Joy regardless of your circumstances hinges on some of these core concepts. You really can be, have and do anything you want to do in this lifetime, if you will just start by imagining what that might be. I, myself, am imagining very big, full, wonderful things. I hope you are, too! Care to share what they are? You never know who might be reading and need exactly what you hope to do.

Oh, my goodness! Have you seen this auction site on the web where you bid in real time, and every bid is one penny? Just before the auction closes, bids come sailing in, one click at a time, resetting the clock on the auction to 10 seconds left. It’s positively mesmerizing. 5 seconds left… 4… 3… 2… <click-Bid!> 12 seconds left… 11… 10… 9… Bidding on iPods, Kindles, jewelry, gift cards, etc. It fascinates me. It’s really a matter of stamina and timing. Can you stand to watch the bidding for longer than the next person? Can you use hours of your life, in nine to twelve second increments, watching a clock tick, tick, tick away and have your hand on the mouse, ready to click at the last possible second? The Kindle bid I was watching continued for over two hours, with no real progress, and is still going as I write this. There are people (me included) who literally sat, poised at their computers, for who knows how long?

We really aren’t good at time spent vs. benefit ratios, are we? I hear people all the time say, “I’d love to learn to play the guitar, but it would take me years.” Yes. But what will you do with that time if you don’t spend it learning to do something you would love? Or, “I can’t believe I spent five years in that failed relationship.” Ok. But what would you have done with that same five years, if you hadn’t spent it learning and loving and getting to know yourself better? And really, what are you doing with this year, other than spending a lot of time lamenting what you feel didn’t go your way? How productive are you being with the precious few hours of the living-my-dreams time on earth you have left?

What if you chronicled how you spend your time? Are you engaged in something that matches or moves you closer to all you want to be, have, and do in this life? I recognize that some things are just maintenance… We have to keep the house clean so we can stay healthy, for example. We have to make some kind of a paycheck to keep the electricity flowing to our homes. We have to get physical rest. Other things, though, the quality-of-life choices we make, really should be made consciously and with a clear idea of the most beneficial ways to get to our dreams.

There are ways to spend your time that come with great benefits, and there are ways to dwindle time away, hoping for some kind of free, magical win. Life isn’t structured to give you free, magical wins, even if an online bidding site tells you it is. There’s always a cost-to-benefit ratio. Start thinking of your time spent as a cost, and make sure you’re getting the greatest benefit of moving you toward everything you want to be, have and do in this lifetime. Spend less time worrying about what didn’t go your way, and more time creating the life you could thoroughly enjoy. Spend fewer hours wishing, and more hours making things happen. If you are missing love in your life, love more, by being open, warm, friendly and available. If you are missing a place you feel at home, create a space that is your own by adding things you like to see: flowers, pictures, colorful rugs… invite people to come to see you. If you want a Kindle, work and extra shift or cut the neighbor's lawn. At least those hours are spent helping others, increasing your own experience, and giving you a sense of accomplishment.

There are still people bidding on that same Kindle. In that time, I’ve shared my thoughts with you, reached outside of myself to attempt to strengthen my relationships and understanding of people, and investigated how I have been spending my own time.
I win.

When I was about three years old, a black Labrador retriever bit me. According to reports from my mother, we were camping, and the dog was tied to a post in the site next to us. At some point, I must have wandered over to pet the doggie (which, as anyone who has ever seen a well-meaning but uncoordinated toddler knows, was probably more like slapping at the dog’s face), and agitated him. At that point, he nipped at me, and tore my ear.

For quite some time after that, I was afraid of all black dogs. As a young child, I had no ability to differentiate size and temperament as disqualifiers for my fear of the dog. Poodles and Dobermans were equal on my list. As I matured, of course, I learned that one black dog, in one particular circumstance, was not a predictor of the behavior of all black dogs. In fact, I even owned a black dog for awhile. This beautiful, black Chow was trained as a hearing dog. She was smart, even tempered, and lovable. I would have missed enjoying an incredible pet, if I would have continued to harbor my fear and prejudice against all black dogs. How grateful I am that my memory of being bitten taught me to avoid agitated, angry, barking, chained, growling things I don’t understand, and not all black dogs!

Thinking of this makes me wonder how many other “black dogs” I have in my past. How many of the other things I avoid, like relationships with coworkers, managers, men, or would-be friends, or stepping out to chase certain dreams, like starting a business, asking for what I want, or living in the moment, are a result of me over-generalizing a particular situation? While it is true that there is a lesson to be learned from failure, pain or stress, and the definition of insanity is to do the same thing and expect different results, I wonder how often I expand that “doing the same thing,” into a grand over-generalization, and get in my own way?

I have started businesses (the black dog) that have failed. Does that mean that I shouldn’t continue to try to build a business from my love of Living in Joy? Or does it just mean that I need to find a way to correct my areas of weakness, like marketing (the growling thing I don’t understand), for example? And how many of these black-dog-generalizations are the voices that strip me of my confidence and ability to persevere?

“You can’t be happy working for someone else. You can’t have the flexible schedule you want. All managers care about are the company rules.”

“Remember the last girl-friend you trusted with all your secrets, and she used them against you? Don’t get close to any women, again. They are all catty and devious.”

I recently read that the “Black Dog,” is a term widely used to refer to depression. I can tell you that these black-dog-generalizations, as I have chosen to call them based on my literal experience with an actual black dog, depress me. I don’t feel joy when I think these things. I don’t feel motivated, or excited, or enthusiastic about life, love or happiness. The good news is: I don’t have to think them. I don’t have to be like the child who misinterprets the real safety message about avoiding growling things as a message to avoid all black coats. I can, instead, view the situation with my adult eyes and see where the threat really is, so that I can mitigate that to the best of my ability. I can take ownership of my contribution to the adverse outcome (I don't slap at dogs on chains, anymore, for example), and stop that behavior. And I can move forward, chasing dreams, and buliding a life of joy.