My dear friends have a son who has been learning to fly a plane. It’s been exciting to hear about his progress, as he has gone from first time behind the wheel, to first night flight, and now to training on how to recover from a spin or other potentially deadly mishap. Apparently, they call this particular training, “recovering from unusual attitudes,” where an “attitude”, in this context, means how the plane is positioned, relative to the horizon. Anything not parallel to the ground and upright is a problem that needs to be resolved, and the quicker and more calmly a pilot can figure out how to recover, the better.
 
But what about the more traditional context in which we use the word, “attitude?” And how often do we, in our daily lives, find ourselves needing to recover quickly and calmly from “unusual attitudes”, whether our own or someone else’s? One visit to social media, one newscast, even one conversation in line at the grocery can surprise us when someone’s attitude, position on a topic, or response to us can seem so off-line that we feel the need to recover.
 
One of the things pilots are taught about recovering from unusual attitudes is that it doesn’t matter, in that second, how you got there. In that moment, the most important thing is recovery. It's like this in for nurses too… if your leg is bleeding from an artery, I don’t need to know why just yet. First, I need to stop the bleeding. Grab the tourniquet. Later, we can discuss why being in the woods alone and using a chainsaw may not be the best decision.
 
When your relationships are threatened by “unusual attitudes,” do you work to recover them, prioritizing that in the moment? Do you right the plane that is your relationship, thus protecting it first? Or do you start trying to figure out what went wrong by blaming or accusing, or something else? 
 
Pilots may give us some insight here, too. Apparently, the first step to recovery is to back-off the throttle… reduce power to idle. When someone brings their off-attitude posture to me, can I find a way to just take a breath (reduce my power to idle) and see a soul opposite me? Can I start with something as simple as, “I hear you…”, instead of “What’s your problem?!” And when I am the one who has the unusual attitude, can I immediately say, “I’m sorry… that came out wrong?” Even if we don’t actually say these phrases, it’s our internal position that can make the difference in whether or not we stay in line with our horizon.
 
Sure. Maybe that person is misinformed or oversensitive, but they are also a human soul, just trying to make sense of the world. Maybe that checkout person is rude, but they are also just another person trying to make things work (and apparently struggling with that, today).
 
The level of awareness it takes to recognize an “unusual attitude” and reduce to idle feels like discipline, to me. I’m not always good with a disciplined approach to my world, especially in the moment. But I can start with a practice of remaining aware when I’m not aligned with the horizon, take a deep breath and idle.

​The other day was a day I woke-up just feeling “off.” I had planned for weeks to speak at a conference and while traveling to it, my event was cancelled. In the moment, I thought, “Ok, no problem. I’ll just spend this time I had set aside productively, doing something else.” I turned around and headed home. But the next morning, when I got out of bed, I felt disoriented and disjoined from my priorities, and I wasn’t sure what it was, exactly, I was supposed to be doing with my day.
 
I suppose this is a common, human reaction. When something we planned for awhile doesn’t pan out, it can feel difficult to spring back and organize around a “new” state or situation. I’m not necessarily speaking of something huge and life-changing… a death in the family, the cancellation of a wedding, a suddenly lost job… This is more about changes that others might shrug-off or see as relatively inconsequential. Or even that you, under different circumstances, time of day, or moment of your life might see as relatively inconsequential.
 
Why is it that sometimes, a change in plans, however large or small, seems like nothing, “Shift gears, and go with it!”? While other times, it feels bigger, more challenging, “Wait. What?!” The fact is, we may never know exactly, but circadian rhythms, hormonal balances, last night’s nutrition, or any number of things might play a part. In any case, it’s not as important to determine precisely why it happens as  it is to recognize what can be helpful to do next.
 
One of the biggest mistakes I make is holding myself accountable to adjust immediately, at all times. While as a nurse this is an important skill to learn, (and likely is expected of ALL of us, regardless of our professions… a.k.a. “flexibility”) it’s important that we do not allow this to be the “every-situation” expectation. Reacting immediately, without giving ourselves time to settle into a new plan, can activate our stress reflex and stand directly in the way of living joyfully.
 
How can we cultivate relaxing into a change, letting the feelings come, get acknowledged, and then go, instead? This kind of emotional awareness, where our reflex becomes getting curious about what we’re actually feeling as a result of the change (discouraged, confused, frustrated, nervous, relieved…?), letting that emotion bring its message and get acknowledged by us, internally, allows it to safely move on. Those feelings caused by change ebbing into us and flowing back out leaves us with clearer minds. We’re then more able to process the next assignment, challenge, or priority.
 
The day of my previously scheduled conference, I’m honored that. I sipped my coffee and pondered how I was feeling. I acknowledged my disappointment. I’m honored all the preparation that went into the event, and felt gratitude for those who planned, and now needed to replan, the entire thing. I took deep, cleansing breaths and enjoyed a healthy (non-airport) breakfast. And when I was ready, I started to think about the things I might like to do with my extra, unexpected free time.
 
When was the last, unexpected change that you experienced? How did you respond to it? What do you most need, when things change? And how can  you make a commitment to honor that in yourself in the future?

​Does anyone play “Wordle?” It’s a game on the New York Times gaming app where you guess a 5-letter word, then receive feedback on whether some or all of your letters are correct. You then adjust your guess, until you guess the word of the day.
 
What I’ve noticed is that, for me, if I get none of the letters, it’s much easier to solve the puzzle than if I get many of the letters (but out of order) on the first or second try. There’s something about knowing what absolutely does not work that is very helpful. By failing in a spectacular way, it’s much easier to see what not to do. And lo and behold, with that narrowed playing field, my next move is more obvious.
 
Thomas Edison, when working on the incandescent light bulb, quite famously recognizes this same thing when he is reported to have assured his discouraged assistant that they had, “…learned for certainty that the thing could not be done that way, and we would have to try some other way.”
 
Why is it then, that when things go quite wrong, we sulk, suffer, pout, blame, and feel defeated? We may give-up. We may feel like a victim of circumstance, our partners, the economy, or the system. Or we may feel less-than… incapable, unworthy, or talentless. And why do we hold others in such treacherous space when they fail? Without the encouragement, help in reflecting on what did not work, and confidence that can be found in not giving-up on the person, how will they ever hope to see the gift of clarity that failure can bring?
 
I believe we have choked out more creativity, joy and passion through “holding each other accountable,” than we can fathom, largely because that phrase has come to mean, to some, “cataloging each other’s failures”.

In contrast, I’ve heard great leaders say, “Fail quickly and change direction thoughtfully. You have my full support, as many times as it takes.”
 
Can we say that to others? Can we say that to ourselves?
 
The next time you fail at something, especially if you fail spectacularly and entirely, celebrate that you have just eliminated some of the wrong directions. And just like in Wordle, once you do that, your next move may be more obvious.

Many of you are aware that this fall, we had several hurricanes hit the state of Florida. Thus far, I’ve been quite fortunate and blessed in that we (my family and I) have not suffered any real damage or trauma. We’ve lost power and internet, or lost a piece of our fence, or even bickered a bit during the preparation and stress of anticipation, but overall, our home has been the perfect fortress.
 
For those who have suffered the major impacts of these hurricanes or any other major weather/natural disaster, it can, obviously, be life-changing: houses crumbled or flooded out, cars lost, physical injury or even death. These are not small things, for houses are really our homes, representing safety, our “nest,” our sanctuary. Cars are our transportation, and therefore our freedom & our livelihood. And our physical bodies, well, of course, hold all of it… spirit, mind, and ability to experience this world, joyfully or otherwise. For those who are in the midst of the challenges, the storm-after-the-storm, just breathing in and out can take effort. And it seems that people all over the world recognize that fact and offer the energy of kindness and blessing.
 
In fact, before, during and after the storm, there were so many wonderful people reaching out to me! Some of these people were close friends or family. But some were social media friends. And of those, some were people with whom I almost never agree! Yet, they showed genuine concern for our safety and well-being. They offered prayers, good wishes, and advice (like putting important papers in the dishwasher, for example).
 
I think this is the power of hurricanes… or any real concern, for that matter. We can bicker about opinions, about philosophies, about our place in the world… but when push comes to shove, when we get back to Maslow’s first two layers – basic needs, physical safety – we seem to all “get it” and agree. We are one.
 
What if that was how we approached every situation and conversation? What if we started to put some of our annoyances, irritations, and differences into that perspective? What if we stopped over-dramatizing our own opinions when people disagree with us, and started looking for how to support those human beings underneath all the fear and rhetoric?
 
It's not easy. Perspective is one of the most difficult things for me to maintain. My blood pressure immediately goes up, or I snap some sarcastic comment, or I roll my eyes disrespectfully, and then I have to force myself to ask, “Is this a real concern? Or is this just the result of emotions, personality, ego and opinion, as we all try to grow and find our way to enlightenment?”

In our current, first-world existence, the one where we get to read and write blogs, it’s often the latter. But occasionally, a hurricane comes along. Something comes that truly does threaten our very lives, and we get to see the power of a joyful spirit, the supportive energy of generosity, and the connectedness of us all.
 
When was the last time you felt yourself get wrapped-up in a discussion/debate/argument that limited your ability to experience the power of joy? Can you reconsider the huge blessings you are experiencing that allow you to focus your attention on such things as these? Can you see the human being on the other side of the fence? Not just the unknown, generalized group of people you mean to be ardently defending, but those names and faces with whom you are currently engaging in discussion? Who would you offer your hand in time of need? Because it’s always a time of need, and hurricanes help us see that more clearly. 

After more than a decade, I am returning to my Living in Joy project! I invite you to join me.
 
Thank you to all of you who, over the last 10 years, asked me about my book, my blogs, and my speaking engagements. Yes, I had stopped writing and talking about joy for a bit, but why? The short answer is that I suffered a bit of a crisis of conscience. How could I write about remaining in touch with my “joyful self,” when I was not feeling particularly joyful?
 
It’s been interesting for me to reflect on this. In many aspects since 2012, my life has been wonderful. In fact, during this time, I fell in love and got married, met new friends, kept and nurtured deeper relationships with old friends, and moved to paradise (a pretty home in Florida, with a sunset view). I have been happy. But I have also been working in a few very stressful jobs, and I was not feeling particularly successful. Imposter syndrome had taken hold of me at work, seeped into my home, and made each day a struggle. I couldn’t think of this Living in Joy project without feeling overwhelmed and exhausted.
 
It occurs to me that this is exactly what I was trying to write about and remind people to NOT do… I was so focused on the struggle and trying to get out of it that I completely lost track of the value of gratitude and the absolute release of that struggle. Just being. And reflecting. And enjoying the ride, even with the twists, turns, and 10-story drops that make me dizzy. And it took one thought, of gratitude, then another, to shake me out of it. I started getting those little, mental-emotional “hits.” Have you ever noticed them? Like angels, they must be everywhere all the time, but it’s my experience that they remain relatively invisible until you’re ready to invite them in.
 
A friend said, “Ugh, I hate everything, right now. How do I just relax?” and I thought:
I feel like I used to know this answer. And my angels agreed.
 
A panelist at a conference said to the entire audience, “You don’t have to know everything to share what you do know,” and I thought: Hm. I can struggle to remain joyful, too, and that’s just honesty. I can share what I do know. And my angels agreed.
 
And my boss, of all people, asked, me, “What would you do, if you could do anything?”
 
Aha! A question I’ve asked myself and others many times, but forgot to ask for the last ten years! Yes! What WOULD I do? What has been nagging at me, and trying to get out? What iterations of me as a professional (author, nurse, teacher, singer, leader…) make me feel like the most inspired version of me: daughter, wife, and friend? And my angels reminded me.
 
A “comeback” is when someone returns to an activity or pursuit that they were known for, previously. I may not have been very well-known for this work ten years ago. But I feel like I knew myself better. Or, rather, I was more in touch and listening more closely to my heart and the things that keep me grounded in joy.
 
So, here I am… on the comeback trail. Ready to share, explore, win and fail. Living, again, in joy, through all the fun and fury that life has to offer.
 
How about you? Over the last few years, have you had an inspiration that you followed? Or one that you ignored because you were “too busy”? Or one that keeps tapping you on the shoulder, but intimidates you? I’d love to hear about it! Let’s nurture our own underlying pulse of joy and inspiration again, together. What would you do, if you could do anything?

Imagine, you’re trapped… in a hole, a pit, a dungeon. It’s dark, cold, and you’re hungry. So hungry.
 
Your captor keeps you off guard at all times, as you don’t know what is next. You’re sick with dread, or are so exhausted by the dread that you’ve moved to apathy. But you can definitely feel the cortisol coursing through you, the everyday stress and worry. Your tormentor heckles you relentlessly. Whispering that you’re worthless. Making you question everything you are or want to be. Working to convince you that you are not only not enough, but that you are worse, a complete mistake. Or that you’re not a mistake (which is true, so you let down your guard just a little and want to believe), but that people hate you for being different, and that there are conspirators who want to take everything that matters to you… your money, your family, your job, your dignity. Your jailer keeps confusing you, stoking your fears, until you  are not even sure what you believe anymore. You begin contradicting yourself from day to day, just trying to make sense of this captivity.
 
And then you hear it. Someone coming to rescue you. Someone calling out, “You are special. You are safe, now. You are beloved.” You know that if you raise your voice, if you call out, you could be heard. Saved. But your tormentor threatens you, if you call out, and your savior doesn’t come, you’ll be worse off than before. He is in your head, now, repeating the mantra that you are a fool.
 
But contrary to the lies of your captor, your rescuer keeps coming. “Just call to me,” your hero shouts out. “I came for YOU. I love YOU. And I AM stronger than what holds you back.”
 
You can be skeptical. He can handle that. You can be confused. He can handle that. You can be angry. He can handle that. You can have called Him friend at one point and then turned your back on Him. He can handle that, too. But know that He searches for you. He came for you. And no stress or daily burden, no voices in your head, no shame when you look in the mirror, no societal ill, no political torment, and no prison can keep you under its oppression, when your rescuer has already arrived. Just tell Him where you are.
 
That’s what “Merry Christmas,” means.
 
Merry Christmas, Everyone! You are so loved.

“Never stop looking for what’s not there.” 

Morgan Freedman has always been one of my favorite actors (even after
that whole March of the Penguins thing…). When I heard that deep, “like God
Himself is speaking” voice say the phrase above, I imagined, and I think quite
rightly, that God was speaking directly to me. 

So, I’m telling you.

There is something about wanting to be accurate… wanting to be correct… wanting to appear intelligent, that erodes our faith, our creativity, and our imagination. At some point in our lives, we stop believing in fairy tales, we start cultivating skepticism, and we begin to lose faith. The unfortunate consequence of not exploring, even clinging to, the improbable is not what we hope it will be (that we appear to be and also feel brilliant), but rather what we fear most (that we become dubious and forlorn).  
 
What if we kept looking in our lives for what doesn’t appear, at first, to be there? What if we didn’t give up our belief in the outrageous? What if we dared to, in a word, hope?

Could you, for one week, suspend your disbelief? Could you meet someone and not wonder what they want from you, but intentionally choose to trust them? Could you speak to someone you already do not trust, and imagine that he, somehow, perhaps even unknown to that person, is working for your good? Could you embark on a new project, expecting it to turn out well instead of mired? Could you imagine, despite what you don’t see in front of you, that you someday will live exactly what you dream? Could you look for that, and allow yourself those precious indulgences of hope and trust? 

I wish you a beautiful week, filled with the things you want but cannot imagine. I wish for you the responses you cannot see yourself getting, and the courage that it takes to ask for them. I wish for you to be happy first, and right second (or third, or not at all… so, what?). I wish for you that you will be able to imagine with conviction that the whole of the Universe is conspiring in your favor, instead of any one part conspiring against you.

For one week, let’s all look for the best in everything, even if we truly believe (and have irrefutable evidence) that it’s not there. If we are not able to “Always,” allow ourselves to look for what’s not there, let’s at least
agree to “ [not] stop looking for what is not there,” or immediately obvious,
for one week. Keep looking.


It may just be the most joyful week of our lives.


 
 
 

Last week, I continued working on the little renovations in my house. I’d been putting off replacing my light switches, because, although I had watched someone do it and it seemed simple enough, I had really never done it. I know about things I have never done. They can be difficult, stressful, or just plain irritating. 

I’ve now replaced about 14 of my light switches, because I wanted them to be white instead of almond. Sure enough, absolutely nothing went exactly right. Oops… lost a screw down the sink. Great… the replacement screws on the next one aren’t quite long enough. Oh, brother… the new white switch plate isn’t as big as the almond one, and doesn’t cover the old paint. Really?... now the cordless drill needs re-charged.

Every switch I replaced came with its own new, little aggravation. Nothing really stopped me, but every little irritation came with some trip back downstairs or out to the shed. I couldn’t help but wonder
which of these little annoyances I might have avoided, if I had been an experienced electrician (or even a slightly experienced handyman, um… person).

For the things I do well every day, I know where to expect annoyances, and most of the time, I know how to avoid them. Leave the house at 6:15, because if you wait until 6:30 to leave, there’s too much traffic. Wear gloves when pulling weeds, or your fingernails won’t come clean for a week. Put your coffee cup on the right, front corner of your desk, not the left middle. For the things I do not do regularly, however, I have no such radar for knowing how to prepare, what to expect, or what to avoid, and so I am subject to irritation. 

That, I suppose, is one of the reasons we value experience. It’s why we are willing to hire people who have more experience, and why we tend to limit ourselves and our lives to what we know best. There’s nothing wrong with that, of course, until it becomes our own version of a rut, limits our creativity, or hinders our ability to grow our own confidence.

Sure I was annoyed because I wasn’t perfectly efficient at replacing my  switches. However, now that it’s done, I kind of like the fact I did it myself. So now, I wonder what other little things I might be able to do that seem intimidating, or like they might be frustrating, or that I feel may be just beyond my current level of enthusiasm. I truly believe that, if I were to try them anyway, I would be rewarded with the joy of breaking out of my routine if nothing else, and quite possibly, I could discover a new skill, pastime, or
reason to be proud of my own tenacity.

So, what is it for you? Is there something you’ve been putting off? Something you’ve always wanted to try but just haven’t gotten that final push? Something you are certain you would not be at all good at doing but wish that you could be? I invite you to just go for it!

Yes, you may feel silly at first. Yes, you might be dreading it. Yes, you might feel annoyed, clumsy or frustrated. And yes, I am confident that, having gone through whatever it is, you will find pride in having braved something new, enlightenment from the learning, and joy. After all a full life, by definition, needs experiences. 

I encourage you to ask yourself: are you living a life full of fun, love, and joy? If the answer to that question is anything like, “Well, I would be, if only ______________,” then I want you to dispel the myth that you need to wait for something or someone to change before reveling in the pure joy of living. 

Your life can be exactly the way you want it, if you will focus on what you do want instead of what you don’t want. Multiple people have said it in a myriad of ways over time, and here are just a few examples of that truth being spoken:

(Hear this 1974 Motown Favorite, here.)

Consistent thoughts of, “…lust, greed and poverty will bring you to ruin.” – Bob Grant, Counselor
The Law of Attraction: positive or negative actions produce corresponding results. 
Self-fulfilling Prophecy: a prediction that causes itself to become true, due to positive feedback between belief and behavior.
 “Whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.” – Galatians 6:7  
“Ask, and it shall be given to you.” – Luke 11:9

If a few quotes and definitions aren’t enough to garner your buy-in, consider scientific proof. Robert Rosenthal, for example, explored the effects of a teacher’s expectations of students or the effects expectation has on random studies when research biases occur. (Read the Info).

There are all kinds of social, scientific and personal reasons, that expectation brings results. Whatever host of complex reasons, however, it’s clear that disciplining the mind to expect wonderful things to happen and the mouth to verbalize faith in that expectation, brings positive results time and
again. But when you don’t feel that positive expectation, how do you make expectation work for you? The simple work of expectation is this: Think it, speak it, own it, and it shall be.

For whatever troubles you this week, start expecting something better by thinking and speaking to yourself and others. For example:

 “I have a beautiful, healthy body.”
 “I am very successful in my career.”
 “My husband is warm and affectionate.”
 
Add to that statement any slightest, tiniest indication of it, in order to strengthen your ownership of it. 
 
“I have a beautiful, healthy body, and I know that because my eyes are clear and bright, today.” 
“I am very successful in my career, and I know that because I received a call from a new client, today.”
 “My husband is warm and affectionate, and I know that because he went to work to provide for us, today.”
 
Ignore the skeptic that would have you thinking, speaking and owning what you don’t want, and start creating the life you do want. Tell me something good, people. Then expect it!

First, when I started writing songs, and now, as I try to write blogs and such, I look for ways to eliminate “writer’s block.” It occurs to me, however, that we don’t have to be writers to get blocked. We meet blocks when we’re trying to work or having fun at home. We live with blocks to being able to see how to get from where we are to the life we really want to be living. We get blocked from being able to be disciplined, or from our ability to be carefree. We stumble against blocks to having the most loving, fulfilling relationships we crave. Something, like when I’m trying to write, just gets buried, out of reach, under some fog or blanket of who-knows-what, and it’s difficult to rescue it. Could we, when something is blocking us from living joyfully, unblock ourselves
like writers do?

Over the years, I have found multiple sources for dissolving writer’s block. One source says to freeform write. This strategy works as a way to clear the mind of chatter, so that the more valuable thoughts have space to form. Another source says to block out a specific time of day and discipline oneself to write anything for an hour, not caring whether or not it’s useful. The point with this strategy is about making time. You may not write anything valuable just because you show-up, but you will never write anything valuable if you don’t show-up. Other ideas include running, or taking a shower, because they both are presumed to ground the writer, somehow, while allowing for the distractions of activity to take the pressure off of writing, thereby releasing creativity. (Have you ever thought of something only after you stopped focusing on it? This is the same principle.)

What each of these strategies have in common is the loose, flowing manner of thought they are trying to provoke. Thoughts, in order to remain fluid and dynamic, should be allowed to live with no judgment, no editing, no critique, no perfectionism. Could we, somehow, use these concepts of releasing writer’s block to free us of all of the blocks we experience in the other areas of our lives?

In his book, “Drive,” Daniel Pink discusses how corporations have used varying combination of each of those strategies to encourage creativity in their employees, and the results have been happier, more loyal employees and bigger ideas than ever. “Post It” notes and Google Mail are just a few such ideas that
came from encouraging open, breathable space for employees, for example, void of expectation. What if we gave open, breathable space to our relationships, to our dreams, to our own job obligations? What if we quit demanding that every intervention meet immediate and measurable results? Could we just do for the sake of doing, just show-up, just scribble a free flow of places we want to see and why, without worrying about where we are going or how to get  there?

Of course, this requires a certain ability to balance. Just as we cannot live our dreams if we don’t allow ourselves the space to dream, we also cannot live them if all we do is dream without taking action. However, in those times when everything is blocked, when every turn is met with resistance, when
even our own inner-skeptic is saying we cannot, should not or will not, these are the times we need to remove the blocks. We need to freeform write. We need to allow ourselves to be distracted. We need to just show-up and trust that results will come in due time. Only then, when the block is gone, will we be able to truly make progress, again.