“Never stop looking for what’s not there.” Morgan Freedman has always been one of my favorite actors (even after that whole March of the Penguins thing…). When I heard that deep, “like God Himself is speaking” voice say the phrase above, I imagined, and I think quite rightly, that God was speaking directly to me. So, I’m telling you. There is something about wanting to be accurate… wanting to be correct… wanting to appear intelligent, that erodes our faith, our creativity, and our imagination. At some point in our lives, we stop believing in fairy tales, we start cultivating skepticism, and we begin to lose faith. The unfortunate consequence of not exploring, even clinging to, the improbable is not what we hope it will be (that we appear to be and also feel brilliant), but rather what we fear most (that we become dubious and forlorn). What if we kept looking in our lives for what doesn’t appear, at first, to be there? What if we didn’t give up our belief in the outrageous? What if we dared to, in a word, hope? Could you, for one week, suspend your disbelief? Could you meet someone and not wonder what they want from you, but intentionally choose to trust them? Could you speak to someone you already do not trust, and imagine that he, somehow, perhaps even unknown to that person, is working for your good? Could you embark on a new project, expecting it to turn out well instead of mired? Could you imagine, despite what you don’t see in front of you, that you someday will live exactly what you dream? Could you look for that, and allow yourself those precious indulgences of hope and trust? I wish you a beautiful week, filled with the things you want but cannot imagine. I wish for you the responses you cannot see yourself getting, and the courage that it takes to ask for them. I wish for you to be happy first, and right second (or third, or not at all… so, what?). I wish for you that you will be able to imagine with conviction that the whole of the Universe is conspiring in your favor, instead of any one part conspiring against you. For one week, let’s all look for the best in everything, even if we truly believe (and have irrefutable evidence) that it’s not there. If we are not able to “Always,” allow ourselves to look for what’s not there, let’s at least agree to “ [not] stop looking for what is not there,” or immediately obvious, for one week. Keep looking. It may just be the most joyful week of our lives.
0 Comments
Last week, I continued working on the little renovations in my house. I’d been putting off replacing my light switches, because, although I had watched someone do it and it seemed simple enough, I had really never done it. I know about things I have never done. They can be difficult, stressful, or just plain irritating. I’ve now replaced about 14 of my light switches, because I wanted them to be white instead of almond. Sure enough, absolutely nothing went exactly right. Oops… lost a screw down the sink. Great… the replacement screws on the next one aren’t quite long enough. Oh, brother… the new white switch plate isn’t as big as the almond one, and doesn’t cover the old paint. Really?... now the cordless drill needs re-charged. Every switch I replaced came with its own new, little aggravation. Nothing really stopped me, but every little irritation came with some trip back downstairs or out to the shed. I couldn’t help but wonder which of these little annoyances I might have avoided, if I had been an experienced electrician (or even a slightly experienced handyman, um… person). For the things I do well every day, I know where to expect annoyances, and most of the time, I know how to avoid them. Leave the house at 6:15, because if you wait until 6:30 to leave, there’s too much traffic. Wear gloves when pulling weeds, or your fingernails won’t come clean for a week. Put your coffee cup on the right, front corner of your desk, not the left middle. For the things I do not do regularly, however, I have no such radar for knowing how to prepare, what to expect, or what to avoid, and so I am subject to irritation. That, I suppose, is one of the reasons we value experience. It’s why we are willing to hire people who have more experience, and why we tend to limit ourselves and our lives to what we know best. There’s nothing wrong with that, of course, until it becomes our own version of a rut, limits our creativity, or hinders our ability to grow our own confidence. Sure I was annoyed because I wasn’t perfectly efficient at replacing my switches. However, now that it’s done, I kind of like the fact I did it myself. So now, I wonder what other little things I might be able to do that seem intimidating, or like they might be frustrating, or that I feel may be just beyond my current level of enthusiasm. I truly believe that, if I were to try them anyway, I would be rewarded with the joy of breaking out of my routine if nothing else, and quite possibly, I could discover a new skill, pastime, or reason to be proud of my own tenacity. So, what is it for you? Is there something you’ve been putting off? Something you’ve always wanted to try but just haven’t gotten that final push? Something you are certain you would not be at all good at doing but wish that you could be? I invite you to just go for it! Yes, you may feel silly at first. Yes, you might be dreading it. Yes, you might feel annoyed, clumsy or frustrated. And yes, I am confident that, having gone through whatever it is, you will find pride in having braved something new, enlightenment from the learning, and joy. After all a full life, by definition, needs experiences. I encourage you to ask yourself: are you living a life full of fun, love, and joy? If the answer to that question is anything like, “Well, I would be, if only ______________,” then I want you to dispel the myth that you need to wait for something or someone to change before reveling in the pure joy of living. Your life can be exactly the way you want it, if you will focus on what you do want instead of what you don’t want. Multiple people have said it in a myriad of ways over time, and here are just a few examples of that truth being spoken: (Hear this 1974 Motown Favorite, here.) Consistent thoughts of, “…lust, greed and poverty will bring you to ruin.” – Bob Grant, Counselor The Law of Attraction: positive or negative actions produce corresponding results. Self-fulfilling Prophecy: a prediction that causes itself to become true, due to positive feedback between belief and behavior. “Whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.” – Galatians 6:7 “Ask, and it shall be given to you.” – Luke 11:9 If a few quotes and definitions aren’t enough to garner your buy-in, consider scientific proof. Robert Rosenthal, for example, explored the effects of a teacher’s expectations of students or the effects expectation has on random studies when research biases occur. (Read the Info). There are all kinds of social, scientific and personal reasons, that expectation brings results. Whatever host of complex reasons, however, it’s clear that disciplining the mind to expect wonderful things to happen and the mouth to verbalize faith in that expectation, brings positive results time and again. But when you don’t feel that positive expectation, how do you make expectation work for you? The simple work of expectation is this: Think it, speak it, own it, and it shall be. For whatever troubles you this week, start expecting something better by thinking and speaking to yourself and others. For example: “I have a beautiful, healthy body.” “I am very successful in my career.” “My husband is warm and affectionate.” Add to that statement any slightest, tiniest indication of it, in order to strengthen your ownership of it. “I have a beautiful, healthy body, and I know that because my eyes are clear and bright, today.” “I am very successful in my career, and I know that because I received a call from a new client, today.” “My husband is warm and affectionate, and I know that because he went to work to provide for us, today.” Ignore the skeptic that would have you thinking, speaking and owning what you don’t want, and start creating the life you do want. Tell me something good, people. Then expect it! First, when I started writing songs, and now, as I try to write blogs and such, I look for ways to eliminate “writer’s block.” It occurs to me, however, that we don’t have to be writers to get blocked. We meet blocks when we’re trying to work or having fun at home. We live with blocks to being able to see how to get from where we are to the life we really want to be living. We get blocked from being able to be disciplined, or from our ability to be carefree. We stumble against blocks to having the most loving, fulfilling relationships we crave. Something, like when I’m trying to write, just gets buried, out of reach, under some fog or blanket of who-knows-what, and it’s difficult to rescue it. Could we, when something is blocking us from living joyfully, unblock ourselves like writers do? Over the years, I have found multiple sources for dissolving writer’s block. One source says to freeform write. This strategy works as a way to clear the mind of chatter, so that the more valuable thoughts have space to form. Another source says to block out a specific time of day and discipline oneself to write anything for an hour, not caring whether or not it’s useful. The point with this strategy is about making time. You may not write anything valuable just because you show-up, but you will never write anything valuable if you don’t show-up. Other ideas include running, or taking a shower, because they both are presumed to ground the writer, somehow, while allowing for the distractions of activity to take the pressure off of writing, thereby releasing creativity. (Have you ever thought of something only after you stopped focusing on it? This is the same principle.) What each of these strategies have in common is the loose, flowing manner of thought they are trying to provoke. Thoughts, in order to remain fluid and dynamic, should be allowed to live with no judgment, no editing, no critique, no perfectionism. Could we, somehow, use these concepts of releasing writer’s block to free us of all of the blocks we experience in the other areas of our lives? In his book, “Drive,” Daniel Pink discusses how corporations have used varying combination of each of those strategies to encourage creativity in their employees, and the results have been happier, more loyal employees and bigger ideas than ever. “Post It” notes and Google Mail are just a few such ideas that came from encouraging open, breathable space for employees, for example, void of expectation. What if we gave open, breathable space to our relationships, to our dreams, to our own job obligations? What if we quit demanding that every intervention meet immediate and measurable results? Could we just do for the sake of doing, just show-up, just scribble a free flow of places we want to see and why, without worrying about where we are going or how to get there? Of course, this requires a certain ability to balance. Just as we cannot live our dreams if we don’t allow ourselves the space to dream, we also cannot live them if all we do is dream without taking action. However, in those times when everything is blocked, when every turn is met with resistance, when even our own inner-skeptic is saying we cannot, should not or will not, these are the times we need to remove the blocks. We need to freeform write. We need to allow ourselves to be distracted. We need to just show-up and trust that results will come in due time. Only then, when the block is gone, will we be able to truly make progress, again. Recently, in an effort to be a better manager, I asked every member of my staff to complete an anonymous survey. The results were brutal: “Management has no idea what we need. Leadership is completely detached from us. Shelly is clueless.” (Ok, they didn’t actually say that last one. That’s what I felt I was reading.) When I formed a workgroup to help me make changes on the unit, I asked them to tell me examples of what exactly was meant by these comments. As it turns out, one of the issues was that our staff needs euipment repaired, and they are discouraged that we have not done it. How simple! Even in a climate where budgets have constraints and priorities compete for attention, fixing a blood pressure machine, for example, is easy stuff to arrange. Of course I will do everything I can to fix what can be fixed! But I haven’t been doing so, because, as invested as I am in being a good leader, I cannot intuit when a thermometer isn’t reading correctly, for example. I need them to tell me. So, my next question is, “Why walk around feeling abandoned, frustrated, and as if the people who lead the department don’t care at all? Why don’t they just ask for what they need?” I found my answer in, “Getting the Love you Want,”by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. In Hendrix book, he talks about our tendency to imagine that people just know what we want. If they care at all, we think we shouldn’t have to ask for it. His observation is that we come into this world with a caretaker/mother who is amazingly equipped to read our minds. We need to be fed, or held, or changed, and somehow, because she loves us, she knows exactly what to do to answer our cries. No asking necessary. However, Hendrix continues, we continue imagining as we transition into adults that expressing our displeasure (like the cries of an infant) should be enough to get the people who love us to “fix it.” This imagining isn’t based in logic, and we might know that this expectation is impossible to meet, but it’s so basic, so ingrained, that we nearly cannot escape it. “If you care, you would _____, without me even asking,” is a concept we drag with us into every relationship: personal, professional, and social. Yet, as we transition into adults, we have much more complex needs than anyone can meet via the mother/infant guessing game. Just as a toddler learns to speak, largely so that he can get more specific about his demands, so must we learn to speak. We cannot continue to expect our leaders to guess what we want, trust them to imagine it, and become discouraged when we don’t get it. We cannot expect our loved ones to imagine what we need to feel beloved and become distant and forlorn when they fail. And in fact, we cannot expect our own, conscious, planning minds to create a path for living that meets our deepest desires for joy if we aren’t able to articulate exactly what those desires are. We must learn to voice our needs in something other than cries, frowns, or exasperated sighs of displeasure. I am reminded of a girlfriend of mine who guided her young son while he was whining and starting to throw a fit about some want or another. “Use your words,” she said gently. Indeed. Yesterday was my birthday, the day that marks another year passing and makes me think of what I have done and hope to still do in this lifetime. I am not oblivious to the fact that I am closer to 50, now, than to 40, or that I have reached something that must be nearly the halfway point of my life. Sometimes, I can feel a little confused and disappointed by this. On the other hand, there are also great benefits to aging. For example, the things that threw me into great despair at 20 years old, aren’t even close to making the cut, these days, and I am amazed at all of the opportunities I’ve been given to learn something that actually makes every day a little bit easier. I’m sure I must have thousands of bits of wisdom tucked away in some corner of my mind, just waiting for me need them. Here are the top 10 that I can recall without much provocation: 10. Egg slicers do not work on onions. 9. On any day that it really matters, take an extra pair of panty hose with you, because you WILL get a run. 8. There are no days when “it really matters” if you get a run. 7. Cheap, aerosol hairspray gets ink out of fabric. 6. If you loan someone money and you never see them again, it’s money well spent. (On the other hand: Gel eyelashes cost $200, last only two weeks, and don’t look any different than wet eyelashes.) 5. Hearts that don’t break because you hide them are no less lonely than broken ones, but they get cheated of all the fun beforehand. 4. The appropriate response to the oil light illuminating the dashboard of your car is not, “Oh, look at that cute little Jeanie lamp!” 3. Almost nothing is so bad that a nap can’t help to fix it. 2. We all have friends and advocates we don’t even know we have, and they are probably saying something nice about us, even right now. And the number one thing getting older has taught me is: 1. You will be disappointed that you are not further ahead until you realize that neither are you further behind. Cheers to living our lives for the very purpose of loving with reckless abandon, learning with an unquenchable thirst, and seeking to experience every emotion and possibility our particular paths provide. Happy Everyday, everyone! Have you ever invited someone into your home, and discovered as you met them at the door and brought them inside that you were suddenly seeing your home through their eyes? Have you been two steps ahead, picking up a blanket that was crumpled at the back of the sofa, or stacking mail and placing it in a drawer, for example? These things don’t bother you. You live with them. You barely notice them. But when you see them, suddenly, through the eyes of someone who may be taking it all in for the first time, you really see them. And you think, in a split second, “This isn’t as good as it could be. Let me make some adjustments.” This just happened to me with someone who came to visit me after 30 years. Only it wasn’t my actual house I felt compelled to get in order, it was my proverbial house. This well-meaning friend asked me the simplest question of all: what do you do for fun? I had no answer. I love to enjoy the company of my friends at parties or over a glass of wine, and I appreciate feeling challenged at work, but what, praytell, do I do, exactly, for fun? I suppose what I find most interesting about this is the fact that I have been doing research and setting goals and working my own Living in Joy plan for awhile now. I’m in touch with Joy, per se, meaning that “all is well,” undercurrent that allows me to enjoy every experience for what it is, comfortable and uncomfortable, alike. It took awhile to get there, and I’m glad to report not only that I do, indeed, live in Joy, but that I am also delighted to be able to share that learning with anyone who is interested. But what about fun? One good thing about my Living in Joy work is that I have already answered the very difficult question, “What would you do, if you could do anything at all.” As it turns out, that puts me ahead of the game. I went back to my original answers to that very important question and found my list. I want to swim with dolphins. I want to write and travel and speak. I want to play guitar and be able to sing along. I want to find and enjoy all of that with the Love of My Lifetime, whoever he turns out to be… and lots of other“fun things.” I had forgotten those goals, in favor of learning my new management job. I had done exactly what I coach against… “Don’t give up on your dreams, while you make a living.” As soon as I realized that I had been operating on auto-pilot, I almost immediately felt my slump of the last year dissipate. I had things to do and things to look forward to doing. I have a mission, and that is not only to live in touch with Joy, but to have fun, too! Carolyn Myss suggests that our SoulMates aren’t the loves of our lifetime, necessarily, but rather, are the transient souls who drop in for a moment to give us the wake-up calls we need along the way. If that’s the case, then this friend from my past is, if not the Love of My Life, one of my SoulMates. Thank you for reminding me to have fun. Thank you for motivating me to continue pursuing the things I most want to experience in this lifetime. Thank you for helping me see the dust on the shelves and the clutter on the counter. Because my little corner of the world isn’t as good as it could be, it’s time to make some adjustments. So, how about it, everyone? What do you do for fun? There was a Facebook Quiz, today, on my MSN homepage: “It’s nearly Spring. What’s your favorite part of this time of year?" A. The change to warmer (hopefully drier) weather B. Seasonal foods like asparagus, peas and morels C. The colorful fashion updates Is anyone shocked that choice “A” won out by 84%? I think we all know how much the weather influences our moods and how we feel, physically. What we may not know is why. You may already know that vitamin D supports bone strength, but did you know it’s also critical to building and maintaining the neurotransmitters in our brains, as well as supporting immune function? Sunshine helps our bodies make vitamin D and a lack of sunshine may contribute to a shortage. We also get a surge of endorphins (the “feel good” hormones), just by being in natural settings, and in the winter, we’re not out in nature nearly as much as we’re likely to be in friendlier months. Without that nature boost, we may experience fewer “feel good” hormone surges. Lastly, because the weather doesn’t allow for as much physical activity and shorter days promote more lethargy (triggering a hibernation response), our bodies can lose energy and our moods can follow suit. What do we do about something over which we have absolutely no control having such a tremendous influence on the level of joy we may be able to access at any given time? Answer: We find other ways to feed ourselves the Vitamin D, release the endorphins, and maintain stable temperatures and comfort. Here are my top 3 suggestions: 1. Get your Vitamin D! Although there’s some controversy about whether or not tanning beds are a good option for this, they aren’t. They are now listed as a carcinogen in the same category as cigarettes! 400-1000 IU are recommended daily allowances, and in the winter, you should move toward the higher side of supplementation. Canned tuna or salmon have anywhere from 200-800 IU so try to incorporate those into your diet. Not sure what you can stand to eat in the canned salmon category? Try recipes from the experts: http://www.alaskaseafood.org/canned/recipes/appetizer.html Another option? Swap your non-fat latte for a vanilla soy misto and save on calories while upping your intake by at least 50 IU per drink. 2. Keep indoor plants and pictures of nature at the ready. Research shows that the brain responds to only seeing pictures of the sun, the beach, trees, and flowers, in the very same way it responds to taking a walk through the real thing. In addition, cut flowers are available all year, and a small bouquet by your bed table has been shown to help you get up on the right side of the bed. Fill your house with these visuals and take a minute to enjoy them. (Get Art Here) 3. Let there be light. When sufferers of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), a depressive disorder triggered by dreary days and a lack of summer light, relief can be found with some simple home solutions. Don’t be a scrooge about turning on your lights; use full spectrum light bulbs, too, at least in the rooms you spend the most time; keep your rooms bright when you are awake, and dark when you sleep. Keep windows uncovered; eat tryptophan rich foods which are not as likely to add to your middle as, say, the donut you are craving. Turkey, bullion, and whole grains are good options; exercise daily, even if it’s just a walk on the treadmill. If you haven’t yet discovered Planet Fitness, at $10/month with no contract, it’s the perfect commitment to make to yourself and enhancing own best mood. Take heart. Summer is coming, days are getting longer, spring bulbs are sprouting. Get yourself ready to peel off those winter layers and become active, again. Hibernation season is over, regardless of what color the sky is today. Enjoy yourself, wherever you are, as you see the world, and yourself, come alive again! I have given-up drive-thru food. Although I expect a relapse, anytime, I have avoided eating food that comes in a fast food sack for almost 6 weeks, now. I have not, however, given up on the one dollar, large, unsweetened tea that McDonald’s so proudly serves. Last Wednesday morning, I went through the drive through before work and was so stunned by the greeting I received from the young man who handed me my drink that I had to pull over, park the car and go in to find the manager. When the manager approached me, I could tell she was nervous. She smiled politely and asked if she could help me, to which I replied, “Yes, please. Do you see that young man at the drive through window?” I asked her, pointing in that direction. She nodded. “Do you know what he said to me?” “No, ma’am.” She was quiet and cautious, waiting to hear what I said and bracing for the worst. “He said, ‘Thank you for choosing McDonald’s. I hope you have a wonderful day. And please, drive safely.” I smiled. The manager smiled, too, but a little warily. I continued, “I’ve been going through drive-thrus for about 25 years, now, and I have to say, I have never been greeted so sincerely. I wanted you to know that he’s doing a great job, and you are doing a great job. Thank you so much. He made my day.” And she smiled bigger. Later, I was told by another patron who followed me out of the restaurant, she gave that employee a big “High 5,”and they smiled and laughed, together. I am not naïve. I know that employees are coached to say, “Please,”and “Thank you,” and “Have a nice day.” I even know that some employees like to put their own spin on it, and say, “Have a great day,” or “Have an incredible day,” in an effort to help people hear the greeting, instead of allowing it to be just another bit of polite noise we exchange with each other. But I have never been told to drive safely, and certainly not with the full eye contact and smile that conveyed such earnest well-wishes. How simple. How impactful. I don’t know what the rest of the day was like for that employee or for that manager. I do know that the rest of my day was spent happy. I was happy that someone cared about their job. I was happy that someone cared about the customer. I was happy that someone cared about, and seemed proud of, her employees and her own effect on the team. The entire exchange inspired me. Through some form of psychological transference, I then saw my own team as people who cared about their jobs and their customers, and who were proud of themselves and their effect on the team. I am sure that my renewed outlook allowed me to talk to them with more care and enthusiasm than I have on other days before. You never know exactly who might set an example for you, or what small thing you might do, today, to set an example for someone else. When I think about that simple exchange, and how great an impact it had on me and, therefore, the people with whom I interacted that day, I realize just how powerful our human connection can be. I hope to remember this example for a long time, and continue to pattern myself after that young man who handed me a glass of tea through a drive-thru window. There was an old joke that asked: what are top three ways to pass information to others? Answer: Telephone, Television, and Tell a woman. Now, I think that punch line would have to be: IPad, IPhone, and IPosted it on Facebook. In some ways, social media with all of the constant updating annoys me. It seems almost ridiculous that we post less than news-worthy information as freely as we do, as if we are certain that the world is so amazed with us that everyone deserves to know whether we ate traditional Cheerios this morning or Honey Nut. What is this craving we have to be known? We want people to see our pictures, to know that we are shopping at Target, to read what we are thinking. In some ways, this blog is a testament to that, as well. After all, apparently I imagine, possibly as some subtle sign of my own arrogance, that people may just want to hear my thoughts on subjects like red shoes, love, and… well… social media. Perhaps, though, this tweeting and updating is more of a reflection of our mobility than of our arrogance or curiosity. In years past, when families rarely ventured out of their home towns, it may have been easier to keep track of one another. We saw each other, I imagine, at the drug stores or walking downtown. We probably passed one another on sidewalks where we said things like, “I just had the best spaghetti at Sally’s mom’s diner. Did you know they had spaghetti there?” There was something friendly, I suppose, about sharing the non-earth-shattering details like, “Jody fell from the swing, so I’m here to buy some mercurochrome.” After all, everyone can spout the headlines, but only the most trusted and intimate of our friends know the nitty-gritty happenings of our daily lives.For the 21st century, social media is our way of maintaining some of what Mayberry had to offer. We can gossip, share our thoughts, ideas, fears and situations in a way we might have shared with our druggist, our barber, our filling station attendant in previous decades. Since we aren’t as likely to pass our friends on the sidewalk anymore, we can substitute the posting of our little one-liners to pass information through our profile pages. We may have become busier and more removed from others, but clearly, we’re not willing to live without some way to tell someone a funny joke we just heard. It’s important to feel connected, to think that someone cares what made us happy today (which they can “Like,” if it makes them happy, too) or watch as a quote we thought was interesting spurs conversations between our friends who live hundreds of miles apart. We can move out of our parent’s homes, out of the towns of our childhoods, across or completely out of the country. Still, thanks to social media, no matter how mobile we have become, we can feel connected to the people in our community by sharing those little, day-in-the-life details that only friends care to hear. I guess when I think of it like passing a neighbor on the street and saying, “Hi! I’m headed to the grocery. Do you know if peaches are on sale?” I don’t mind all the Tweeting one bit. In fact, it makes the world seem a little more like a small town and just a little friendlier. So, if you’ll please excuse me, I think I’ll go update my status. And while I’m at it, I’ll look for yours and hope it reveals that you are having a joy- filled day! |
ShellyWhether I am experiencing my life as a nurse, leader, teacher, manager, wife, daughter, friend or something else, I believe that my gift has been my ability to sort through the noise of emotions and circumstances and find joy in all things. It is my purpose to use that ability to help others realize their own strengths, successes, gifts and passions. This is how I want to spend my life. Subscribe
Please subscribe to my blog by selecting the RSS Feed link above or follow the instructions below.
To subscribe to this blog please copy/paste this address into your favorite feed reader:
http://www.areyoulivinginjoy.com/1/feed Apple Users: CLICK HERE to download my favorite FREE feed reader.
Windows Users: CLICK HERE to download my favorite FREE feed reader.
Categories
All
Archives
June 2013
|