My mom forwarded me an email that was full of the prayers of little children. One four-year-old was saying the Lord’s prayer, and prayed, “...forgive us our trash baskets, as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets...” Deep. It made me wonder how many trash baskets I was carrying around with me. Different than your average “baggage,” which might be bad enough, my trash baskets actually contain things that I have recognized as useless (like old psychological wounds, or a negative self-image… that kind of thing) and, therefore, discarded. Instead of walking away, however, I just picked up the whole basket to carry with me, as if I might need to sort through it and retrieve something, at some point. How many thoughts, self-concepts, worries of things long since passed, do I drag around in some invisible, but no less burdensome trash basket? And what of the people who have added things to my baskets over the years? The garbage they tossed my way that soiled my self-esteem or made my load a little heavier, which made my life a little messier… Did they mean to use my basket? Or were they, more likely, just trying to rid themselves of the trash that they too were carrying? And how much of my own trash have I relocated into someone else’s basket, inadvertently or otherwise? It seems reasonable to ask for forgiveness for this. Mostly because, in carrying around a bunch of old trash, we essentially deprive ourselves of a lightened journey. How are we to live in joy, to enjoy this playground that is life with all of the blessings and gifts life has to offer, if we are focused on keeping track of old trash and monitoring the trash others put in our baskets? I think I like this analogy because it’s easy for me to picture myself digging through my old trash. And that envisioning makes it easy to just stop rooting and gathering and carrying, because it seems almost ridiculous to dig through old trash. So, please forgive me my trash baskets. They’ve gotten in the way. And forgive me, too, if I’ve ever put anything in your trash basket. Let’s just stop dragging them around, shall we?
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In Tom Rath’s, “Strengths Finder, 2.0,” which is a book I’ve mentioned before, he gives clear descriptions of 34 different strengths. One of them is Empathy, which is to say: easily imagining what others might be thinking or feeling. It seems to me that having this particular trait might be a key component to Living in Joy. In fact, much of the advice on careers, relationships, finances, and even spirituality that I’ve read or studied over the years seems to be rooted in the very concept of empathy. Steven Covey in “7 Habits of Highly Effective People,” for example, chooses to devote two of his seven concepts to empathy. Habit 4 is, “Think Win/Win,” and Habit 5 is, “Seek First to Understand, Then to be Understood.” Simon Sinek, inspirational leader, talks about “Starting with Why,” which is a success strategy that is founded on the principle that successful leaders communicate by beginning with the empathetic question, “What motivations do we have in common?” Moms all over the world have repeated the mantra, “Treat others how you would like to be treated,” which really means that we, first, have to understand how we would like to be treated if we were that other person, with all of that person’s unique motivations, fears, concerns, history and habits... if we were walking in that other peson's shoes. If practicing empathy will increase our effectiveness, strengthen our relationships, and enable us to experience more satisfaction with life, then the remaining question is: how do we train ourselves to be empathetic? First, we have to recognize that there is another person involved. Each of us is so entrenched in our own goals and wants that it’s extremely difficult to pull ourselves out of the loop, “What am I not getting? When will it be my turn?” Empathy means looking for what the other person perceives he or she is not getting, in order to understand his/her motivations. If people are resistant to you, you can bet it is because they fear not getting what they need. When you view the world from their perspective, you can help them alleviate that fear, so that you can work together to get what you both want. Second, we have to ask ourselves, “How does what I want/need conflict with what this other person wants/needs? How does this person perceive it conflicts, even if we actually want the same results? How might I adjust my process to help this person meet his/her needs, while also meeting my own?” Third, we have to look past the obvious demand and get to the deeper motivation. If I want to go out to dinner with my spouse, for example, and he wants to stay home and sit on the couch, how do we both get what we want? The key is to look for the objectives we each have. I want to go on a “date” with him. He wants to unwind and relax in the comfort of home. Those are the immediate demands. However, both of us want, as our final objective, more intimacy. What if we turn off the TV, cater-in dinner (however humble), light candles, and relax on a “date” in the living room? It may sound like compromising, but really, meeting both persons’ objectives is a “win-win,” not a compromise. It’s not always easy. It’s work to examine and re-evaluate a seemingly simple, “I want.” It’s especially difficult to be empathetic enough to see why our “I want” is not immediately met with an, “Of course, dear.” But it’s worth it. In fact, living empathetically, at least according to nearly every great thinker I’ve ever studied, is the absolute key to success. Have you ever given much thought to how you want to experience yourself through the groups of people, not just individuals or individual circumstances? Because human beings are social animals, we will never be satisfied in isolation. Embracing the concept of belonging to a community means considering your own role in the communities to which you most belong. What do you want to give your community (or communities)? What do you want to take from it? Your idea of the community to which you belong and relate may be different than someone else’s. For example, I have a dear friend who does world-wide, medical mission trips. Her idea of community includes the entire worldly experience of mankind. The idea of the community I choose to affect comes in much smaller groups, like my coworkers or my close friends. Neither is more correct than another. There are schools of thought that suggest our influences role out in concentric circles, and that we cannot expect to change the world, if our own households are a mess. And there are people who, recognizing that “a prophet has no honor in his own country,” begin at the outer edges of the world and move inward. At the most basic level, it’s helpful to decide to which camp you most likely belong, in order to choose your own activities and level involvement in the various communities that surround you (work, church, neighborhood, etc.). Once you identify what group(s) to which you most sense you belong, then it’s time to identify your own role within those groups: voyeur or activist? King or soldier? Gracious host or guard at the door? Some combination of any or all of these? Who, again, do you most want to be? How do you want to experience yourself in your community? What do you have to gain or offer? After you’ve given this some thought, you might just check out the few resources I have, below, each designed for connecting with community members. Naturally, your online community of FaceBook is one example of reaching out and remaining connected, but I am going to encourage you to go a step further and involve yourself, physically, in your communities, however you define them. Interested in making a difference in an area within twenty miles of your home? (click here) for Six Degrees, an organizational initiative of Kevin Bacon’s, and do a volunteer search. Learning to speak French? Interested in books? Collect buttons? Ever hear of Meetup? This brilliant website (click here) goes beyond dating sites and social networks to help you find groups in your area that share your interests. The point is that we do not live in a vacuum. In fact, research shows that much of our depression is spawned by our lack of feeling connected to the communities and people around us. If you want to protect yourself from that, if you truly want to live in joy, don’t let yourself live in isolation. Choose a community, and get involved! This is your new blog post. Click here and start typing, or drag in elements from the top bar.
If you’ll remember, before the holidays, we were investigating resources for our seven major life areas. I hope you’ve enjoyed some of the other resources I’ve shared and they’ve been useful. As we talk about Spirituality, the best I can do is share what I do, when I’m feeling much too tied to the physical world around me and I notice that all I’ve been trying to do is run faster, work harder, worry about money more, fuss in traffic… I continue to espouse that “Living in Joy,” means thoroughly experiencing and enjoying this life, this playground-world, this land of opportunity to live absolutely anything we choose. However, there is no denying that, sometimes, it feels like life is just one brick wall, one pitfall, one chore, challenge or frustration after another. What happens when I’m fully invested in my five senses and they are all telling me I’m over-tired and under-appreciated? That is when I remember that I am, however mysteriously, more than this body and mind, more than these five senses. There is some part of me from where courage, peace within chaos, and inspiration come. That, my dear friends, is Spirituality. My five senses may be dulling with age, but my spirit is still vibrant, if I can just feed it, feel it and allow it to run loose through me. So, here are my three favorite strategies: Be Quiet. William Penn said, “True silence is rest of the mind. It is to the spirit what sleep is to the body: nourishment and refreshment.” So, part of feeding my spirit may be silence: a restful walk through nature or a quiet room with candle lighting. One of the best ways to get in touch with my own inspiration and inner voice is to just be quiet. Can you begin your day without the radio? Without the television? With a smile on your lips but no words coming out of them? You’ll be surprised what you can hear when you are not talking. Take a vow of silence for an hour or an afternoon. Read. I also read Scripture. When I do, I read a short passage and then journal. Have you ever tried this? My method is to summarize on the page what I just read, then write a commentary, my “observations,” where I ask myself and pray, “How does this apply to me, right now, today?” I ask, and then I start writing whatever I’m thinking. Sometimes, I write, “Ok. I don’t get it.” But sometimes, I do “get it,” and the thoughts I have feel as if they are straight from God, or at least some translation of my own spirit’s voice. If you ever wondered how to read and make sense of the Bible, this is my recommendation. Surround Yourself. In contrast to the silence or reading options, the other thing that feeds my spirit is the love and friendship of people. When I have friends around me, just their presence, whatever we may be doing, makes me feel contented and connected. I am particularly content when I see my friends gathered together in my own home. So, believe it or not, my best resource for Spirituality, from my perspective, is not a meditation book, a CD of Tibetan chants, or a website for purchasing candles and bubble bath (though those are all good ideas…). It’s www.evite.com. Go ahead… pick a theme, and invite some people over to share your world. It’s a great way to remind yourself that your contribution to this world does matter, that you are not too tired to have friends, and that you are appreciated, after all. Surround yourself with a few of the people you love. I have no doubt that you have strategies of your own for allowing your spirit to breathe. I’d love to hear them. And if you try any of my strategies, I’d love to hear about that, too! Happy connecting! I love this time of year. It means holidays and holiday parties, getting together with friends and family, and having a reason to eat and shop! J I especially love that “The Holiday Season,” begins with Thanksgiving, passes through Christmas, and ends with a New Year. It seems to me like that should be the model for how we approach every day. In that spirit, here is how I want to spend the first 5 minutes of every morning of 2012: First, I’m going to practice Thanksgiving by being thankful for another day to spend with friends, family, co-workers and other comrades who are essentially facing the same life-struggles and celebrations I am. Then, like on Christmas day, I’m going to remind myself that I am loved, saved, and gifted, and I’m going to resolve to express my hope, joy and peace, wherever the day takes me. Finally, as I do when I face the coming New Year, I’m going to rejoice in all of the possibilities that lie within the coming 24 hours: all of the things that I want to do differently, all of the things I’d like to keep the same, all of the miraculous events I cannot even imagine from where I stand at the beginning of my day. Maybe this is what it means to “make every day a holiday.” From now on, I’m going to make every day three of them. Thank you, so much, for your support and encouragement over this last year. I hope each of you and your families had a very merry Christmas, and will have a joyful and remarkable 2012! |
ShellyWhether I am experiencing my life as a nurse, leader, teacher, manager, wife, daughter, friend or something else, I believe that my gift has been my ability to sort through the noise of emotions and circumstances and find joy in all things. It is my purpose to use that ability to help others realize their own strengths, successes, gifts and passions. This is how I want to spend my life. Subscribe
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